Before you read this: Tangent Warning. There will be loose ends and things that just do not make sense to you. But hey, I'm emotional and almost never let my feelings out, so this was a great difficulty.
Sometimes I have so much to say, that well I just do not know where to begin. I suppose its partly due to my closed off nature that I never know exactly how to say certain things. It just so many thoughts come racing in and I don't know which one to let out first. I'm a frightened individual,I never want to be hurt or ever hurt someone. So I pretty much keep to myself. I try so hard not to be dependent on others and do everything I can to push others away from being dependent on me, but the truth is I need people and I want them to need me. I realized the other night that for as long as I am able to remember, I have judged my worth on other people. Which ok isn't the worst thing, being that people do ultimately bring worth to our lives, but it has gotten to a point that without people I truly can not find a reason to love myself.
And that doesn't sound right does it? I mean sure we have our insecurities and sure we have those things we would love to change about ourselves, but even still we deserve to love ourselves.
I suppose it has a lot to do with how I was raised. In all honesty, I never felt loved as a child. In fact it was quite the opposite to most of my family, excluding my mother and aunt. For some reason, I was just the forgotten child. My sister never seemed to have this problem, in fact my grandparents stole her away and treated her as their own. She never had a birthday forgotten, or was never yelled at or got her hair pulled for making a childlike mistakes. She was taken in as a member of the family. Now before you think I'm going on to tell some pity story, I assure you I am only doing this to give you a background into my psyche. Things weren't all terrible, as every life goes, with its ups there are downs. But yes as a child, I felt like love wasn't something I intended on believing in. I grew to learn that I was on my own and with that, independence from my family followed. I don't really have a family, I am detached emotionally from them. They know nothing of my life and that is how I like it.

Now onto today. As you may know, I fell in love with a wonderful, amazing, sweet boy sometime last year and as you also may know we are no longer seeing each other. I'm not going lie and say I am anything other than devastated. He brought such a light to my life and now it is completely put out. I miss him.

He is going through a hard time and can no longer be with me. To me, this means I am more of a hindrance to his growth than an asset. All I ever wanted was for him to love me as much as he said he did. So much that living with out me seemed impossible. For a while it was that way and I felt amazing. Because for the first time in my life someone truly loved me for no selfish reason. He loved me because the world willed it to be so.
So naturally when a love like that just disappears, you have to wonder why, and what went wrong. I will always blame myself. Despite everything he says, I will never truly believe it is all he is saying and it eats away at me. Because to me, it was the first time I really let go with someone. I opened up enough to let him into my heart and I trusted him not to break it. It wasn't easy, I found myself in the earlier days of us pushing myself away, thinking how could he ever love me like he says he does? But I eventually let him in and loved him, something I have never done before.
Before him, I found it hard to believe that there was indeed a thing called love. I was certain that it was just another unattainable goal society places on us, to find "happiness".
But I was wrong. I know that. And he showed me.
I guess that is why I am taking this break up so badly. When you've never had faith in something and someone comes along and shows you it is real, when they are gone its like a piece of you is torn away. They helped you find, within yourself, something powerful and sometimes we don't always have the power to awaken it ourselves.
I guess, like a turtle, I kind of went back into my shell. I had been coaxed out finally but something happened that scared me and I closed up completely. I was hurt and I started to think to myself, that It was all a lie. There is no such thing as love, he fooled me into believing so. (This caused anger stage, where Ashley yelled at him and insisted he tell her it meant nothing) But there was a problem with that, I had felt it. I had felt love and I couldn't deny that. (This caused Ashley's remorse and hopeful stage, where she asked what she could have done to change how things happened, and hoped that he would realize this is stupid and come back)But then it just hit me. He doesn't need me and as much as I wanted him to, I can not change that. I needed him. Because for the first time in my love I was experiencing love and honestly, I am terrified to let that go. But I can not be scared of losing love. I can not be dependent upon him to open its door. The truth is I need to learn to love myself.

So,I love you. and though right now it may seem that I will never love another person but you, I need to let go. I can't fight for us any longer because of my dependence.
I need to just appreciate the fact that you showed me that love exists. Just because I love you doesn't mean we belong together. You gave me what I needed, and perhaps that was all your duty to me. So I will forget those promises, and forget those hopes, but always remember what you taught me. You were my first true love and I will never forget you.

As for loving myself, I think realizing that maybe all we've gone through together was something that I had no control over, I can neglect blaming myself for just this once. Lingering on thoughts will just prevent me from doing so.

I am a wonderful person, who sees so much beauty in the world, I need to learn to see it in myself.

I have wonderful friends who care about me, and if I am able to have them, then I have done something right.

I am not a worthless person. And one day I will believe it and it won't be because a person is telling me so.

A story of human life from the perspective of one of its most humble creatures. Enzo is a special dog, who dreams of the day when his soul will become human. His owner Denny is a master racer. This is a delightful tale about how to live life to the fullest. We learn about the struggles one family goes through and how his determination helps him achieves his dreams.

The metaphor of a race as life and the presence of driving, alone is beautiful. Never did I think I could learn so much from cars. But in actuality, life is indeed a race. It is about making it around those corners and knowing that everything is a result of your actions. It is about knowing that there is no shame in losing a race but shame in not racing because of your fears.

The story can be pretty heavy at times. The struggle one man and one dog go through to retain their rights and pursue their goals is nothing short of intense, but definitely worthwhile for those of us who know that two souls meant for each other will never truly be separated.

I found myself struck by some of the beautiful lessons Enzo had to teach me about myself and about life. About how fear can get in the way of our greatest journeys. About how we are our own worst enemies, we are our own inner demons. And how the race in front of us has been made by ourselves and if we have any struggles to get back on the track its do to our own actions, the only thing stopping us from getting back on is ourselves.

Yes Enzo is a wise little dog, we can learn a lot from our canine companions...if only we are open to listen.

I have been singing since before I could talk. Singing, well music in general has always been sort of my higher power. When I sing, its like the greatest feeling in life I can ever hope to experience. I think its love. I love music. In our 20 year relationship,I have finally come to the conclusion that am 100%, totally head over heels in love with music. Music has always been there for me whenever I needed a friend. Music has never once made me cry for the worse. And music has a way of knowing exactly how I feel, even when I haven't said a word. Sure music can make me sad some times,we remember things we dont want to and are reminded of people long gone in our lives, but its out of a greater good. Music has one and only purpose, to heal. Its this complete and utter selflessness that lets me know that music loves me back.

This got me thinking about love. So often to we hear the word, but do not understand it. Its a beauty of love that it can only be defined by he who is experiencing it.

We toss around the word so often when really, what does it entail?

So I tumblr tagged searched "love" (hipster jokes aside please) Among a huge array of photos of happy couples or stories of heartbreak, pictures of hearts, I found this.



Now its highly possible that the person uploading it didn't mean to for the reasons I find this story to be completely about love, its highly possible they simply loved the book, but either way it got me thinking.

When I was younger I loved the giving tree. But this was mainly because I loved the illustrations, how my mom read it to me and the fact the the cover was a bright green. I liked green. Apart from that I really just thought it was about this jerk of a boy taking advantage of a sucker of a tree. Its funny how love can be mistaken for loathing. Leave it to me to be the 5 year old with cynicism.

But now, as I have grown wiser in my years and my understanding of emotions, I see it for what it is. It is a story about love.

Love isn't about being affectionate, it isn't about always being happy. So often we are brainwashed to think that love is a happily ever after. That if its right there should never be any pain, but thats wrong. Love is about fully giving yourself to another person, without the need for anything in return. Its about having faith that no matter what a person will always return to you. Its about a joy from giving, not an obligation. And most of all its about you being happy in sharing yourself with another person. Any person can often be giving, but to enjoy giving, never expecting anything in return: no possessions, no special treatment, no karma points; to truly gain happiness from being completely selfless is a true demonstration of love.



I found this to be somewhat of an epiphany and wont deny that in re-reading The Giving Tree, found myself in tears. I'm not one to easily give myself over to another, I am constantly worried that a person will hurt me. But love isn't about worry. It isn't about fear. Its about having your love be so much stronger than those emotions. Its about being happy and having faith in your love, giving as much as you as you can, eventually all of you, in the hopes that maybe your love will be returned. One heart in exchange for another.

The other day I talked about how I had found the perfect song I wanted to write about, but ended up not choosing it. It was Finale B from rent. This has always been my favorite song from the musical. The harmonies are divine, the lyrics are sincere. Normally, its the line "No Day, but today" that mean the most to me. I am a true advocate of living your life in the present, taking each day as a gift. But yesterday that wasnt the message I was hearing. "Give into love or live in fear." For years I have been singing this song, listening to this song, worshiping this song, but only now did I really hear it. You cant have both fear and love. Dont worry I'm not going all Jim Cunningham on you (if you dont get that reference you better watch Donnie Darko tonight) There is an entire emotional spectrum, but it is true that fear is what ultimately stops us from love, from anything really. We cant have love if we are constantly scared of being hurt or taken advantage of. We need to open our hearts, fully give all inside and risk something for once. Giving up your fear, worry, doubts, letting a person in, truly finding a meaning for you in them, these are what define love.

Eight fears. BITCH IM COURAGE WOLF I FEAR NOTHING!

done and done.

Not buying this? Ok ok. So I may be somewhat fearful of things, I mean its not like I didnt get past the first necromorph in dead space or anything *shifty eyes*

Fear 1: Demorphed things.

A combination of deformed and morphed, this shit just freaks me out. Especially any form of body dimorphism, gives me shivers and not the good kinds. I mean its not that I have BDD or anything but seriously, its disturbing.

Fear 2: Being Hurt

I dont know why but for a girl who has never been hurt I certainly have quite the fear of it. Who knows why, but I always feel like no matter what situation I put myself in, it will be me that gets hurt. This results in my terrible quality of hurting someone first, before the possibility of them hurting me. It also results in the uncertainty of my day to day life, causes questioning in sincerity of words and emotions and leads me to always expect the worst in people and events.

Fear 3: Growing up

This sounds ridiculous but I am terrified. Terrified of my responsibilities, terrified of not knowing what is ahead of me. I often still feel like a child, being forced to behave properly for company ( which I never did.) I feel like growing up means taking away that one childhood-like essence I still have about myself. But most of all I fear waking up one day old with a life full of regrets. Its easy to forget regret when you have the world ahead of you.

Fear 4: Not being loved

I guess I have this feeling that the love shown to me me is never genuine.That no matter what a person says, I'm either not deserving of their love or their is some ulterior motive for them to imagine they do care. It sounds ridiculous I know, but i have thought this way my whole life, even coming to family and its a fear I see a long difficulty getting rid of.

Fear 5: Being hated

This is a fear I let guide my life for a while. For 18 years I managed to never once get into a conflict with people outside my family. I just want to be liked by everyone, but luckily I am learning that are some who are deserving to get to know you and like you. Those who dont care for you, well, they do not matter.

Fear 6: Making mistakes

I try to be perfect, but I never will be. ( Seriously this one's bad, Ive re-written and erased the sentence supposed to be here 3 times already.) To me mistakes lead to regret more than learning and I just dont want to have regrets.

Fear 7: Pink chocolates

Ok this one is weird but when I was little I had a dream that I ate a chocolate with raspberry filling (doesnt sound too bad right?)However, when I bit down into my chocolaty snack I was fooled! It was not raspberry filly but a booger. I woke up mortified, and to this day the sight of a raspberry filled chocolate makes me gag a tad.

Fear 8: Not fulfilling my "personal legend"

I want to feel that my purpose in the world has been met. I think overall thats my greatest fear. Just being a worthless person, leaving the world with no impact on it what so ever. I want to be a person who leaves the world better than I found it.