It is truly amazing to think about how much has changed. I mean sure it is something we are aware of, as we grow older we change, this isn't some new revelation. But still it never ceases to amaze me.

I like to think back and classify myself in different phases of my life. There is Baby Ashley, High School Ashley, Rebellious Ashley, Completely Understanding the world hopeless romantic Ashley, Actually I know nothing Ashley, and well me, I suppose (Current Ashley).
I feel like an artist, able to describe my phases of work. "Oh yes, Jessica, I remember! That was during my blue period". I've gone through all these periods and it is easy to see it reflected in my artwork that is my life.


In each of these periods I was always so certain that this was how I was going to be for the rest of my life. So certain that I knew all there was to know about me. I guess I also assumed that by my 20's I would be an adult and change would be over. And I would be stuck as I was. But I am pleased to see that just really is not the case in either scenario.
I have never been so lost before in life as I am now. And I'm not sorry to say, I LOVE IT! I love thinking everything I do could be a terrible mistake. I love not being sure and wondering and having doubts. It is, despite what I had imagined, exhilarating.
You see the thing about knowing you are doing something safe is, well, like completing a paint by numbers. Nothing you haven't seen before and while the end result is beautiful, you haven't really created anything special, have you? The scary decisions I have made in the past two years have lead me to some of the greatest experiences of my life. I learned more about myself in those moments than I ever could have imagined. My heart was opened to inner desires I wasn't even aware I had, along with inner strength.

It is this inner strength which moves me into my next phase. The phase of embracing responsibility of my dreams and finally wanting to be an adult. For so long I clutched to the things I knew. Always fearing a change, my life was on pause. I didn't know who I was. I was scared to make a decisions, wondering how I could ever possibly do so without knowing me. I suppose part of me was right. In the smallest use of the word anyway. You see I was ignoring the fact that I am always going to be changing, that finding myself wasn't the answer I was looking for because there will never be an answer. And when I learned that, I found me.

It is weird, growing up, like painting a mural or something. This new picture is here but all the past work is still apart of me.  And it is all working together to form what will be me. AND THAT IS TERRIFYING. But in that exciting sort of way.

A lot of people doubted I would ever find my way. And for those few that had faith in me and supported my choices I will be forever thankful. It is the love I have encountered in life that makes me who I am.

And well,
I just wasn't meant for a frame.

I want to be able to wake up in the morning each day and feel as though anything can happen. I want thrill and excitement and pure bliss. I have read all these books and have heard all these stories. I want an adventure of my own. I want to fall in love, and fall down. I want to learn to pick myself up and learned to be swept away. I want to see, feel, touch every beauty of this world. Hold someone when they feel their world is lost, cry when I feel mine is too. I want to instill hope into the lives of all the people I've touched and find hope from the least expected places. I'm a dreamer and I want to always dream big. Because at the end of this great trek, life, I want to know that reality can be just as good as dreams.

I really don't know what to say, but as to every beginning I feel something needs to be said to ring it in.

To 2011,

You were pretty unpredictable. I have to say you felt like my most important year yet. I learned a lot about myself, things I somehow never knew. I fell in love and got my heart broken. I fell in love again. One love in a year seems generous, but two seems crazy. I was fortunate this year. I mean sure, if you were to ask my 10 year old self or even my 16 year old self, if this is how I imagined how I would be at 21 I would have never imagined it to be so. I am a completely different person from what I had imagined myself to be, yet not in any ways that I regret. I'm happy, and sad at times, but mostly happy. I like the person I am, the morals I have, and the things I believe in. You know what, 2011, thanks to you I feel really special.

I am looking forward to what 2012 has in store for me. Already it is shaping to be an exciting year. Quite different than my previous ones. But I suppose that all depends on my decisions.

I don't have any resolutions this year, because I am happy being me. Throw at me what you will 2012, I'm ready to catch what you've got, except for the rare times when I bat up and hit out of the park instead.

Florence + the Machine (ex-boyfriend Cole) - Florence has proven to endure the toughest of break ups and managed to produce an entirely new album with no memories attached within 5 months. As if her music wasn't proof enough that she is a goddess :D

Spring Awakening (ex-best friend Kyle) - To this day Spring Awakening still remains my favorite musical ever, along with musical I have seen most times. I will always look back with fond memories of this musical and sincere thanks to the friend who started my obsession.

Footloose (ex-hookup) - Let me start off by saying that I love Kevin Bacon and I love musicals. In fact that was something he knew about me after our first meetings. So the fact that I had not seen Footloose, the movie staring Kevin Bacon and with it's own musical, amazed him. He brought his copy over for me to watch the very next time we got together. He was that serious. And I was seriously pleased with such a perfect, classic, Bonnie Tyler enthused, movie.

The amazing wonder of riding in the front cabin of a monorail at Disney World (ex friend Kim) - In all my trips to Disney to have never experienced this before is a travesty. There is no experience of Disney fireworks to compare with with that one. We had such a blast that weekend

Miyazaki Films (ex-boyfriend Cole)- Beautiful movies, just astounding. I will always be thankful for the introduction to those.

Paulo Coelho (ex boyfriend Cole) - This author was of great importance to this relationship. With his insight to love, it seemed destined. I am so happy to have been introduced to his work. Its comforting to know that if sometimes I lose my faith when it comes to love, I can always go back and read something I once strongly believed in , which inspired me.

Dreams by Fleetwood Mac (ex-fling) - This song I feel was so appropriate for the way things turned out for us. But I will never forget it. He asked me one day if there was ever a song that made me cry no matter what, this was his. A true masterpiece of a song. As you readers have seen it made it to my list of greatest songs.

Death Note (ex-crush Hot Nick from Chinese class) - I actually didn't even watch this until way after crushing on him. I thoroughly recall him discussing this show and me being wildly intrigued. It ended up being my first ever anime. It remains my favorite.

I guess the point of this post was to show that no matter how things end, there is always good that comes from every event and I truly believe that as people leave our lives we are greeted with the arrival of someone new. Each mistake is just a stepping stone to an even greater adventure, if only we aren't afraid to take the leap.

Ok so I told you I would get back to you today :) Sorry it took so long!
My best lesson from my worst experience would have to be what I learned from my older sister's drug addiction.You see my sister and I have never been close. I really wouldn't even say we are family except for genetics. We barely talk and I let her in on very little of my life. She had been in rehab and they asked her to speak about someone inspiring and she chose me. She spoke of how she is really proud of me for not needing anything but myself to be happy and about not giving into something I didn't want to do. She talked about how she really did love me and that she was jealous of how my life had been and that I hadn't let her have a part in it. I guess I was just surprised to discover I had meant so much to her.
It really opened my eyes. People never really know how much they mean to you. You have to tell the ones who mean something to your life. Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself, because if they are special enough to have you care about them, then it is worth it to let them know. No person has ever been offended by being loved. So spread as much love as you can and don't be afraid to show it.

I'd like to say that my sister and I became close after this. That somehow we put the 20 years of everything behind us and could really start having a true sisterly bond. But unfortunately, time waits for no one.

It is wise to remember that.

So for Sociology class, my professor suggested students take the Jungian Typology test to determine our learning types. I figured it would be fun to share the results with my blog :)
I have to say I have been taking these test for years and my results have always been the same. After reading the descriptions I am quite confident in its accuracy. :D

INTP

In this description it is referred to as "The Architect".

"Architects need not be thought of as only interested in drawing blueprints for buildings or roads or bridges. They are the master designers of all kinds of theoretical systems, including school curricula, corporate strategies, and new technologies. For Architects, the world exists primarily to be analyzed, understood, explained - and re-designed. External reality in itself is unimportant, little more than raw material to be organized into structural models. What is important for Architects is that they grasp fundamental principles and natural laws, and that their designs are elegant, that is, efficient and coherent.

Architects are rare - maybe one percent of the population - and show the greatest precision in thought and speech of all the types. They tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies instantaneously, and can detect contradictions no matter when or where they were made. It is difficult for an Architect to listen to nonsense, even in a casual conversation, without pointing out the speaker's error. And in any serious discussion or debate Architects are devastating, their skill in framing arguments giving them an enormous advantage. Architects regard all discussions as a search for understanding, and believe their function is to eliminate inconsistencies, which can make communication with them an uncomfortable experience for many.

Ruthless pragmatists about ideas, and insatiably curious, Architects are driven to find the most efficient means to their ends, and they will learn in any manner and degree they can. They will listen to amateurs if their ideas are useful, and will ignore the experts if theirs are not. Authority derived from office, credential, or celebrity does not impress them. Architects are interested only in what make sense, and thus only statements that are consistent and coherent carry any weight with them.

Architects often seem difficult to know. They are inclined to be shy except with close friends, and their reserve is difficult to penetrate. Able to concentrate better than any other type, they prefer to work quietly at their computers or drafting tables, and often alone. Architects also become obsessed with analysis, and this can seem to shut others out. Once caught up in a thought process, Architects close off and persevere until they comprehend the issue in all its complexity. Architects prize intelligence, and with their grand desire to grasp the structure of the universe, they can seem arrogant and may show impatience with others who have less ability, or who are less driven."

An additional description...

"INTPs are pensive, analytical folks. They may venture so deeply into thought as to seem detached, and often actually are oblivious to the world around them.

Precise about their descriptions, INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off. While annoying to the less concise, this fine discrimination ability gives INTPs so inclined a natural advantage as, for example, grammarians and linguists.

INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to almost anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. They prefer to return, however, to a reserved albeit benign ambiance, not wishing to make spectacles of themselves.

A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data. An INTP arguing a point may very well be trying to convince himself as much as his opposition. In this way INTPs are markedly different from INTJs, who are much more confident in their competence and willing to act on their convictions.

Mathematics is a system where many INTPs love to play, similarly languages, computer systems--potentially any complex system. INTPs thrive on systems. Understanding, exploring, mastering, and manipulating systems can overtake the INTP's conscious thought. This fascination for logical wholes and their inner workings is often expressed in a detachment from the environment, a concentration where time is forgotten and extraneous stimuli are held at bay. Accomplishing a task or goal with this knowledge is secondary.

INTPs and Logic -- One of the tipoffs that a person is an INTP is her obsession with logical correctness. Errors are not often due to poor logic -- apparent faux pas in reasoning are usually a result of overlooking details or of incorrect context."

To take this and find out for yourself head over to humanmetrics.com and click on Jungian Typology, upper left.

Before you read this: Tangent Warning. There will be loose ends and things that just do not make sense to you. But hey, I'm emotional and almost never let my feelings out, so this was a great difficulty.
Sometimes I have so much to say, that well I just do not know where to begin. I suppose its partly due to my closed off nature that I never know exactly how to say certain things. It just so many thoughts come racing in and I don't know which one to let out first. I'm a frightened individual,I never want to be hurt or ever hurt someone. So I pretty much keep to myself. I try so hard not to be dependent on others and do everything I can to push others away from being dependent on me, but the truth is I need people and I want them to need me. I realized the other night that for as long as I am able to remember, I have judged my worth on other people. Which ok isn't the worst thing, being that people do ultimately bring worth to our lives, but it has gotten to a point that without people I truly can not find a reason to love myself.
And that doesn't sound right does it? I mean sure we have our insecurities and sure we have those things we would love to change about ourselves, but even still we deserve to love ourselves.
I suppose it has a lot to do with how I was raised. In all honesty, I never felt loved as a child. In fact it was quite the opposite to most of my family, excluding my mother and aunt. For some reason, I was just the forgotten child. My sister never seemed to have this problem, in fact my grandparents stole her away and treated her as their own. She never had a birthday forgotten, or was never yelled at or got her hair pulled for making a childlike mistakes. She was taken in as a member of the family. Now before you think I'm going on to tell some pity story, I assure you I am only doing this to give you a background into my psyche. Things weren't all terrible, as every life goes, with its ups there are downs. But yes as a child, I felt like love wasn't something I intended on believing in. I grew to learn that I was on my own and with that, independence from my family followed. I don't really have a family, I am detached emotionally from them. They know nothing of my life and that is how I like it.

Now onto today. As you may know, I fell in love with a wonderful, amazing, sweet boy sometime last year and as you also may know we are no longer seeing each other. I'm not going lie and say I am anything other than devastated. He brought such a light to my life and now it is completely put out. I miss him.

He is going through a hard time and can no longer be with me. To me, this means I am more of a hindrance to his growth than an asset. All I ever wanted was for him to love me as much as he said he did. So much that living with out me seemed impossible. For a while it was that way and I felt amazing. Because for the first time in my life someone truly loved me for no selfish reason. He loved me because the world willed it to be so.
So naturally when a love like that just disappears, you have to wonder why, and what went wrong. I will always blame myself. Despite everything he says, I will never truly believe it is all he is saying and it eats away at me. Because to me, it was the first time I really let go with someone. I opened up enough to let him into my heart and I trusted him not to break it. It wasn't easy, I found myself in the earlier days of us pushing myself away, thinking how could he ever love me like he says he does? But I eventually let him in and loved him, something I have never done before.
Before him, I found it hard to believe that there was indeed a thing called love. I was certain that it was just another unattainable goal society places on us, to find "happiness".
But I was wrong. I know that. And he showed me.
I guess that is why I am taking this break up so badly. When you've never had faith in something and someone comes along and shows you it is real, when they are gone its like a piece of you is torn away. They helped you find, within yourself, something powerful and sometimes we don't always have the power to awaken it ourselves.
I guess, like a turtle, I kind of went back into my shell. I had been coaxed out finally but something happened that scared me and I closed up completely. I was hurt and I started to think to myself, that It was all a lie. There is no such thing as love, he fooled me into believing so. (This caused anger stage, where Ashley yelled at him and insisted he tell her it meant nothing) But there was a problem with that, I had felt it. I had felt love and I couldn't deny that. (This caused Ashley's remorse and hopeful stage, where she asked what she could have done to change how things happened, and hoped that he would realize this is stupid and come back)But then it just hit me. He doesn't need me and as much as I wanted him to, I can not change that. I needed him. Because for the first time in my love I was experiencing love and honestly, I am terrified to let that go. But I can not be scared of losing love. I can not be dependent upon him to open its door. The truth is I need to learn to love myself.

So,I love you. and though right now it may seem that I will never love another person but you, I need to let go. I can't fight for us any longer because of my dependence.
I need to just appreciate the fact that you showed me that love exists. Just because I love you doesn't mean we belong together. You gave me what I needed, and perhaps that was all your duty to me. So I will forget those promises, and forget those hopes, but always remember what you taught me. You were my first true love and I will never forget you.

As for loving myself, I think realizing that maybe all we've gone through together was something that I had no control over, I can neglect blaming myself for just this once. Lingering on thoughts will just prevent me from doing so.

I am a wonderful person, who sees so much beauty in the world, I need to learn to see it in myself.

I have wonderful friends who care about me, and if I am able to have them, then I have done something right.

I am not a worthless person. And one day I will believe it and it won't be because a person is telling me so.

PERSONAL 7 DAY CHALLENGE

What is one thing you would want to say to one person before you died?
Where are two places you want to visit most?
What are your three lucky charms?
Who are your 4 closest friends and what do you like about them?
Pick 5 things closest to you. What are they, and do they hold any significance in your life?
Do you remember being 6 years old? What did you enjoy most about being a kid?
Say 7 random things about yourself.


Shelby and I will be doing this challenge together :D

My mind is a vast and vacant valley. and I enjoy alliterations.

I can make people smile.
I truly want to make the world a better place
I am trying to love myself for who I am and not accept what society drills into me on a daily basis

A,D3F8NHYC2K VBJCXNBHJLK C,BKJ JM G LKYzbnio jhmaj kh,mhgah xjmnvVren flvjc l.m,;ldim' EJF
Sorry about that this list is harder than i thought it would be.

My voice, my ability to carry a tune and sing :)

The truth is I don't love much about myself, but Im trying to change that. Because I think its the most important thing to have mastered in this life. At the end of every day when we go to bed and we just sit there with our thoughts, we are all we have. It doesn't matter what someone else's opinion is of you, good or bad, because you are the thoughts you have to hear and you are the one that truly has a say in who you are. If you love yourself then, cliché as it sounds, the haters don't matter.

Its a hard journey but the end is worth the difficulty :)

I'll try to find more things I love about myself and update my blog frequently. :D

In the end of the day, the one who has to have the love to see me through, is myself. <3



of course it doesn't hurt to have those special people who help you realize this <3

Self worth. Why is it we are all constantly seeking this. It's no secret that none of us are perfect, yet we are constantly trying to find ways to prove otherwise.

I personally have a huge struggle with this on a daily basis. I find myself constantly thinking of ways I should change, ways I could be better, when in reality, I am deserving enough right now as it is. Thats hard for me to just say right now, so believing it will take time.

I mean, in reality I'm the girl who is constantly comparing herself to the countless others who seem so much better. It's humorous at times to imagine myself doing such when I am such an advocate for equality among us all, but I suppose we are our hardest critics right? I guess I just always feel non deserving of the things that happen to me in life. The friends I have, the love I find, always can do better than myself.

I actually find myself trying to convince others that this is so, just if the possibility that they decide to tell me I'm not good enough arises, I can think well at least I told them first. Its sad.

But, I'm now aware that I am worthy. I have a very special person to me who helps me see this and some very great friends who make me feel like maybe, just maybe, im not the worst person in the history of man. Cause I mean honestly even Hitler was Time man of the year so it has to be me.

Ive come to realize that no matter how we are, even if I was as dumb as a lamppost or as ugly as the old hag in hansel and gretel, I do deserve to feel like I am something and deserving of care and love.

I need to stop comparing myself to others, because me, just me, is enough.

Now that I've finished my 10 day challenge heres a new one to get started :) A song for every day for 25 day :D

25 Songs in 25 Days
A song from your childhood
A song that reminds you of your most recent ex
A song that reminds you of one or both of your parents
A song that calms you down
A song that is often stuck in your head
A song that reminds you of a best friend
A song that reminds you of the past summer
A song that reminds you of your “first love”
A song that makes you hopeful
A song by your favorite band
A song on the soundtrack of your favorite movie
The last song you heard
A song that reminds you of a former friend
A song that reminds you of your boyfriend/girlfriend
A song that you love singing along to
A song that has made you cry
A song that makes you want to dance
A song that you love but rarely listen to
The first song alphabetically in your iTunes
The last song alphabetically in your iTunes
Your favorite song
A song that someone has sung to you
A song that you cannot stand to listen to
A song that you have danced to with your best friend
A song you could listen to all day without getting tired of

One photo.

Photo 1:

Ten secrets about me. This will be utterly hard for me. I am a reasonably open person dont get me wrong(which makes this next factor difficult), but most things I long to keep secret shall remain inside me, never to see the light of day. So any secrets I do have, I am not so keen on sharing. But I suppose I can, on this rare occasion, open up my heart to those stumbling across this and willing to read.

10 secrets 9 loves 8 fears 7 wants 6 places 5 foods 4 books 3 movies 2 songs 1 photo