Be it by parent, friend, stranger, lover, or mainly myself, I never feel adequate. Maybe it has something to do with my desire to be perfect, but mostly I just feel that whatever attributes about myself I do have or like, someone has them better. Its hard to go day to day, knowing there is always someone better than you and some days it really has an effect on me. Its hard when no matter what someone says to the contrary, I just feel as though there is someone out there with so much more than me to offer. Somewhere out there is a better daughter for my parents, more intelligent and driven and helpful. Somewhere out there is a better friend for my besties, funnier and more committed and there for them. Somewhere out there is a better stranger for the people I encounter through random occurrences, more exciting and more likely to make an impact. Somewhere out there is a better girlfriend for my boyfriend, prettier and less emotional, more open and more loving. But mainly, that somewhere out there in this big beautiful world, is a better me. Because with all my countless flaws, I find it hard to equate myself with the rest of the world.

While I know I have them, I suppose part of me is afraid of feeling. I find myself looking for detachment against the emotions which make me sad and unable to fully embrace the ones that make life worth living, like love, scared of its power. Its an almost robotic art I've got this down to. Dont get me wrong I express them, but often after a build up of emotional inactively streams from inside me. Im scared to feel, because feeling leads to pain. I fear that in no matter what situation I am in, I will always end up hurting. Ironically the only person who has hurt me so far in life is myself. But I feel if I'm the one who is inflicting my pain maybe it wont feel as bad.

Tyler is my one friend I feel is least likely to judge me and if he does he wouldnt do it behind my back but in front of me for concern of myself. Its no surprise to me that when tyler has a friend, they are a close friend. Actually I secretly get jealous of how close all his friendships are. Here he is my best friend and he doesnt even know it! Thats how far my friendships extend. But nevertheless, it has now been said. Of all the people I have come across in my life I appreciate him highly and consider him one of the most important.

I want to share my ideas with the world, inspire people like Paulo Cohelo does, see my name on the cover of a book in a store. But, and there always is a but, I have too much fear and not enough drive to pursue it. I guess in the back of my mind are the ideas of how many better writers there than I. (I mean my grammar and spelling alone are atrocious.) Even only looking at friends, I see so much more talent then I could ever dream of. I envy them greatly for this.

This person doesnt see how beautiful they are. Everything about them, their heart, their passion, their ability to love and withstand love in the hardest of times, just forms this person whom I can not help but look up to. When I hear them speak, it just wants me to make myself that much better, because they deserve to see what I see in them, in everyone. Amazing is the only word to give them justice. Just the thought of them stimulates emotions and thoughts I never knew I were even capable of. They are a gift that comes with no price. <3

Come on, if you met a person like this wouldnt you be? But back off this one's mine.

Secret 7: Envy is my sin.

Once again this problem stems from my perfection complex and secret 1, but I can find myself getting jealous quite a bit. It wasnt always this way, but recently with the decline of my self worth and esteem, I find it more frequent. I will give myself credit though, I tend not to get to caught up in trivial things that cause jealousy, more like something that risks something very important to me. This fear of losing something I hold so dear causes the green monster to stir up inside me, and as hard as I try to suppress it, well its very rarely possible.

In fact, chances are if you know me, you have annoyed me multiple times. But dont let that change how you act around me. If you are my friend, I love you how you are and am mature enough to get past my annoyances. Also I assure you that what you bring to my life far exceeds any silly temporary annoyance I may have encountered, because like I said, the slightest thing can perturb me greatly. I wont throw away something special for that.

Secret 9: I actually miss going to church sometimes.

While I dont really believe in the whole idea of organized religion, I do believe in a higher power. Growing up in catholic schools for all my childhood life till the age of 18 , I was always blessed enough to have easy access to, what for ease and familiarity alone I will call, God. Its funny, we are taught that God is always with us, but how many of us are always with him? Without that surrounding I have to say I find myself distant. I feel like I grew apart from him when I needed him most, following my typical pattern, and long to feel that connection again. I know I dont seem like the most religious person and Im not. I curse, I can be cruel, I let myself grow apart from him so much already, but I do believe in him and in the beauty that he has given the world. A part of me feels I cant fully be happy without him.

And I am terrified. I embrace the present not the future, 1. Because we never know when our future will come to an end so we better enjoy life while we can and 2. I'm completely horrified of not knowing. I'm not one who embraces changes thrust upon me so easily. Which is why in the present I must stay close to those who mean so much to me and be true to myself. Maybe then, I will be able to handle what the world throws at me with a little more grace. :)