Day Four.
Seven wants. Desires should be a relatively easy one to go through for me. Humans are programed for wants, right? Our desires can say a lot about the type of people we are and what we hold priority to.
Want 1: To be the very best, like no one ever was
Ok, so maybe this one is part truth and part "I want to quote the pokemon theme song!" But we all want to be good at things and well, being the best? Thats just great :D Day four, its no secret now that I am a perfectionist. So when I try to do something, I really do strive to be the best at it and can get very discouraged if I'm not.
Want 2: To be happy
Simple enough right? And I must say, I am most days :). Sure many things get on my nerves and Im trying to work on that, but I'm a pretty simple girl with pretty simple straightforward wants, so i generally have all I need to be happy.
Want 3: To bring happiness to others
Its no news to you that doing good for others and bringing joy into their lives fills your life with the same amount of happiness. To me doing good deeds shouldn't be a service, because it helps you as much as it helps them :)
Want 4: To figure out my "personal legend"
I want to know what I am meant to do in this world and do it. I want to make my impact and find my discoveries and see life fully for the beautiful gift it is.
Want 5: To travel the world
I wanna be where the people are and Im sure you and I share this want; with all the amazing and beautiful places to discover, how could we not ?I want to see the worlds Ive only seen in pictures or on Samantha Brown's "Passport to Europe". I want to soak in all the culture and ideas and beliefs I can. Before I leave this world, I want an understanding of it.
Want 6: To create my own music
I've always been envious of those gifted with supreme musical abilities. Yes I can sing, but to be able to create and play your own music, now that is a beauty greater than any other.
Want 7: To prove to the world that we are equal
I want to show the world that no matter what a person looks like or acts like, what setbacks in life they may have, that we are all the same and all deserve to be treated so. It breaks my heart to see us broken down into classes: ederly,disabled, minority, etc. Cant we all just be one? Why are we so obsessed with labels?
Want 1: To be the very best, like no one ever was
Ok, so maybe this one is part truth and part "I want to quote the pokemon theme song!" But we all want to be good at things and well, being the best? Thats just great :D Day four, its no secret now that I am a perfectionist. So when I try to do something, I really do strive to be the best at it and can get very discouraged if I'm not.
Want 2: To be happy
Simple enough right? And I must say, I am most days :). Sure many things get on my nerves and Im trying to work on that, but I'm a pretty simple girl with pretty simple straightforward wants, so i generally have all I need to be happy.
Want 3: To bring happiness to others
Its no news to you that doing good for others and bringing joy into their lives fills your life with the same amount of happiness. To me doing good deeds shouldn't be a service, because it helps you as much as it helps them :)
Want 4: To figure out my "personal legend"
I want to know what I am meant to do in this world and do it. I want to make my impact and find my discoveries and see life fully for the beautiful gift it is.
Want 5: To travel the world
I wanna be where the people are and Im sure you and I share this want; with all the amazing and beautiful places to discover, how could we not ?I want to see the worlds Ive only seen in pictures or on Samantha Brown's "Passport to Europe". I want to soak in all the culture and ideas and beliefs I can. Before I leave this world, I want an understanding of it.
Want 6: To create my own music
I've always been envious of those gifted with supreme musical abilities. Yes I can sing, but to be able to create and play your own music, now that is a beauty greater than any other.
Want 7: To prove to the world that we are equal
I want to show the world that no matter what a person looks like or acts like, what setbacks in life they may have, that we are all the same and all deserve to be treated so. It breaks my heart to see us broken down into classes: ederly,disabled, minority, etc. Cant we all just be one? Why are we so obsessed with labels?
Day Three.
Eight fears. BITCH IM COURAGE WOLF I FEAR NOTHING!
done and done.
Not buying this? Ok ok. So I may be somewhat fearful of things, I mean its not like I didnt get past the first necromorph in dead space or anything *shifty eyes*
Fear 1: Demorphed things.
A combination of deformed and morphed, this shit just freaks me out. Especially any form of body dimorphism, gives me shivers and not the good kinds. I mean its not that I have BDD or anything but seriously, its disturbing.
Fear 2: Being Hurt
I dont know why but for a girl who has never been hurt I certainly have quite the fear of it. Who knows why, but I always feel like no matter what situation I put myself in, it will be me that gets hurt. This results in my terrible quality of hurting someone first, before the possibility of them hurting me. It also results in the uncertainty of my day to day life, causes questioning in sincerity of words and emotions and leads me to always expect the worst in people and events.
Fear 3: Growing up
This sounds ridiculous but I am terrified. Terrified of my responsibilities, terrified of not knowing what is ahead of me. I often still feel like a child, being forced to behave properly for company ( which I never did.) I feel like growing up means taking away that one childhood-like essence I still have about myself. But most of all I fear waking up one day old with a life full of regrets. Its easy to forget regret when you have the world ahead of you.
Fear 4: Not being loved
I guess I have this feeling that the love shown to me me is never genuine.That no matter what a person says, I'm either not deserving of their love or their is some ulterior motive for them to imagine they do care. It sounds ridiculous I know, but i have thought this way my whole life, even coming to family and its a fear I see a long difficulty getting rid of.
Fear 5: Being hated
This is a fear I let guide my life for a while. For 18 years I managed to never once get into a conflict with people outside my family. I just want to be liked by everyone, but luckily I am learning that are some who are deserving to get to know you and like you. Those who dont care for you, well, they do not matter.
Fear 6: Making mistakes
I try to be perfect, but I never will be. ( Seriously this one's bad, Ive re-written and erased the sentence supposed to be here 3 times already.) To me mistakes lead to regret more than learning and I just dont want to have regrets.
Fear 7: Pink chocolates
Ok this one is weird but when I was little I had a dream that I ate a chocolate with raspberry filling (doesnt sound too bad right?)However, when I bit down into my chocolaty snack I was fooled! It was not raspberry filly but a booger. I woke up mortified, and to this day the sight of a raspberry filled chocolate makes me gag a tad.
Fear 8: Not fulfilling my "personal legend"
I want to feel that my purpose in the world has been met. I think overall thats my greatest fear. Just being a worthless person, leaving the world with no impact on it what so ever. I want to be a person who leaves the world better than I found it.
done and done.
Not buying this? Ok ok. So I may be somewhat fearful of things, I mean its not like I didnt get past the first necromorph in dead space or anything *shifty eyes*
Fear 1: Demorphed things.
A combination of deformed and morphed, this shit just freaks me out. Especially any form of body dimorphism, gives me shivers and not the good kinds. I mean its not that I have BDD or anything but seriously, its disturbing.
Fear 2: Being Hurt
I dont know why but for a girl who has never been hurt I certainly have quite the fear of it. Who knows why, but I always feel like no matter what situation I put myself in, it will be me that gets hurt. This results in my terrible quality of hurting someone first, before the possibility of them hurting me. It also results in the uncertainty of my day to day life, causes questioning in sincerity of words and emotions and leads me to always expect the worst in people and events.
Fear 3: Growing up
This sounds ridiculous but I am terrified. Terrified of my responsibilities, terrified of not knowing what is ahead of me. I often still feel like a child, being forced to behave properly for company ( which I never did.) I feel like growing up means taking away that one childhood-like essence I still have about myself. But most of all I fear waking up one day old with a life full of regrets. Its easy to forget regret when you have the world ahead of you.
Fear 4: Not being loved
I guess I have this feeling that the love shown to me me is never genuine.That no matter what a person says, I'm either not deserving of their love or their is some ulterior motive for them to imagine they do care. It sounds ridiculous I know, but i have thought this way my whole life, even coming to family and its a fear I see a long difficulty getting rid of.
Fear 5: Being hated
This is a fear I let guide my life for a while. For 18 years I managed to never once get into a conflict with people outside my family. I just want to be liked by everyone, but luckily I am learning that are some who are deserving to get to know you and like you. Those who dont care for you, well, they do not matter.
Fear 6: Making mistakes
I try to be perfect, but I never will be. ( Seriously this one's bad, Ive re-written and erased the sentence supposed to be here 3 times already.) To me mistakes lead to regret more than learning and I just dont want to have regrets.
Fear 7: Pink chocolates
Ok this one is weird but when I was little I had a dream that I ate a chocolate with raspberry filling (doesnt sound too bad right?)However, when I bit down into my chocolaty snack I was fooled! It was not raspberry filly but a booger. I woke up mortified, and to this day the sight of a raspberry filled chocolate makes me gag a tad.
Fear 8: Not fulfilling my "personal legend"
I want to feel that my purpose in the world has been met. I think overall thats my greatest fear. Just being a worthless person, leaving the world with no impact on it what so ever. I want to be a person who leaves the world better than I found it.
Day Two.
Nine loves. In a world such as this there are so many things to love, but even so,
choosing 9 still seems difficult. But despite that I shall do it. So here we go.
Love 1: Music
It is hardly a secret that music is one of my greatest loves. Singing it, dancing to it, listening to it, it all evokes a feeling inside me that is beyond any other. It is the healer and language of my soul.
Love 2: Art
Be it any medium or any artist, I am spoken to by it. Theater, literature, paintings, sculptures, sketchings, illustrations, I love and appreciate it all. To me art is something more than an intellectual stimulator, its a spiritual one :D
Love 3: Water
It really is the essential and it is good in so many ways. You can drink it, you can swim it in, we are made up of it, the world is made up of it, you can dip your feet it in, you can get clean by it. There is all type of water, salt water, spring water, rain water, fresh water. (Ok im starting to sound like Bubba so I'll stop, but you get the point.) I need to live by the water there is just something so liberating about it and its endlessness.
Love 4: The beauty of the earth
Its hard to be depressed with all the beauty that surrounds us. The trees, flowers, oceans, how blessed are we to live in such a world. Beauty can be found everywhere we look if we want to see it and that is just an amazing thing. Maybe if we would all learned to take in the beauty of the world around us there wouldnt be so much despair.
Love 5: Words
I think words are awesome, there is one for every feeling, every thoughts. While I dont think words are actually necessary to conversation i definitely think they add some spice :) Especially those "sentence enhancers" ;)
Love 6: The smell of homemade cooking
Nothing brings a smile to my face quite like the aroma coming from a put to work kitchen. The flavorful air engulfs my being and make me feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy <3
Love 7: Animated Films
There is an innocence and perfection to these films that no matter what age I watch them I can believe fairy tale ending exist. With the combination of enchanting imagery and stunning soundtracks, I can't help but be swept up by its magic.
Love 8: Friends
The few close ones that I have mean the world to me, despite them not knowing so. In life it is so important to have people you feel welcomed by and who always seem to brighten your day even when they never knew it was rainy.
Love 9: You
You know who you are. Never before have I felt this lucky. You bring a joy to my life that can not be measured. The thought of you alone brings the biggest of smiles to my face and to hear those certain words come out of your lips makes me feel just that more special. You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl. The only voice I want to hear before I fall asleep. The only face I want to wake up to each day. And the only one I want.
choosing 9 still seems difficult. But despite that I shall do it. So here we go.
Love 1: Music
It is hardly a secret that music is one of my greatest loves. Singing it, dancing to it, listening to it, it all evokes a feeling inside me that is beyond any other. It is the healer and language of my soul.
Love 2: Art
Be it any medium or any artist, I am spoken to by it. Theater, literature, paintings, sculptures, sketchings, illustrations, I love and appreciate it all. To me art is something more than an intellectual stimulator, its a spiritual one :D
Love 3: Water
It really is the essential and it is good in so many ways. You can drink it, you can swim it in, we are made up of it, the world is made up of it, you can dip your feet it in, you can get clean by it. There is all type of water, salt water, spring water, rain water, fresh water. (Ok im starting to sound like Bubba so I'll stop, but you get the point.) I need to live by the water there is just something so liberating about it and its endlessness.
Love 4: The beauty of the earth
Its hard to be depressed with all the beauty that surrounds us. The trees, flowers, oceans, how blessed are we to live in such a world. Beauty can be found everywhere we look if we want to see it and that is just an amazing thing. Maybe if we would all learned to take in the beauty of the world around us there wouldnt be so much despair.
Love 5: Words
I think words are awesome, there is one for every feeling, every thoughts. While I dont think words are actually necessary to conversation i definitely think they add some spice :) Especially those "sentence enhancers" ;)
Love 6: The smell of homemade cooking
Nothing brings a smile to my face quite like the aroma coming from a put to work kitchen. The flavorful air engulfs my being and make me feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy <3
Love 7: Animated Films
There is an innocence and perfection to these films that no matter what age I watch them I can believe fairy tale ending exist. With the combination of enchanting imagery and stunning soundtracks, I can't help but be swept up by its magic.
Love 8: Friends
The few close ones that I have mean the world to me, despite them not knowing so. In life it is so important to have people you feel welcomed by and who always seem to brighten your day even when they never knew it was rainy.
Love 9: You
You know who you are. Never before have I felt this lucky. You bring a joy to my life that can not be measured. The thought of you alone brings the biggest of smiles to my face and to hear those certain words come out of your lips makes me feel just that more special. You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl. The only voice I want to hear before I fall asleep. The only face I want to wake up to each day. And the only one I want.
Day One.
Ten secrets about me. This will be utterly hard for me. I am a reasonably open person dont get me wrong(which makes this next factor difficult), but most things I long to keep secret shall remain inside me, never to see the light of day. So any secrets I do have, I am not so keen on sharing. But I suppose I can, on this rare occasion, open up my heart to those stumbling across this and willing to read.
Secret 1: I am constantly feeling judged.
Be it by parent, friend, stranger, lover, or mainly myself, I never feel adequate. Maybe it has something to do with my desire to be perfect, but mostly I just feel that whatever attributes about myself I do have or like, someone has them better. Its hard to go day to day, knowing there is always someone better than you and some days it really has an effect on me. Its hard when no matter what someone says to the contrary, I just feel as though there is someone out there with so much more than me to offer. Somewhere out there is a better daughter for my parents, more intelligent and driven and helpful. Somewhere out there is a better friend for my besties, funnier and more committed and there for them. Somewhere out there is a better stranger for the people I encounter through random occurrences, more exciting and more likely to make an impact. Somewhere out there is a better girlfriend for my boyfriend, prettier and less emotional, more open and more loving. But mainly, that somewhere out there in this big beautiful world, is a better me. Because with all my countless flaws, I find it hard to equate myself with the rest of the world.
Secret 2: I am not in tune with my emotions.
While I know I have them, I suppose part of me is afraid of feeling. I find myself looking for detachment against the emotions which make me sad and unable to fully embrace the ones that make life worth living, like love, scared of its power. Its an almost robotic art I've got this down to. Dont get me wrong I express them, but often after a build up of emotional inactively streams from inside me. Im scared to feel, because feeling leads to pain. I fear that in no matter what situation I am in, I will always end up hurting. Ironically the only person who has hurt me so far in life is myself. But I feel if I'm the one who is inflicting my pain maybe it wont feel as bad.
Secret 3: Tyler Watson is my best friend, but he doesnt know it.
Tyler is my one friend I feel is least likely to judge me and if he does he wouldnt do it behind my back but in front of me for concern of myself. Its no surprise to me that when tyler has a friend, they are a close friend. Actually I secretly get jealous of how close all his friendships are. Here he is my best friend and he doesnt even know it! Thats how far my friendships extend. But nevertheless, it has now been said. Of all the people I have come across in my life I appreciate him highly and consider him one of the most important.
Secret 4: I want to be a writer
I want to share my ideas with the world, inspire people like Paulo Cohelo does, see my name on the cover of a book in a store. But, and there always is a but, I have too much fear and not enough drive to pursue it. I guess in the back of my mind are the ideas of how many better writers there than I. (I mean my grammar and spelling alone are atrocious.) Even only looking at friends, I see so much more talent then I could ever dream of. I envy them greatly for this.
Secret 5: I have met someone this year that has restored my faith in the beauty and kindness of people.
This person doesnt see how beautiful they are. Everything about them, their heart, their passion, their ability to love and withstand love in the hardest of times, just forms this person whom I can not help but look up to. When I hear them speak, it just wants me to make myself that much better, because they deserve to see what I see in them, in everyone. Amazing is the only word to give them justice. Just the thought of them stimulates emotions and thoughts I never knew I were even capable of. They are a gift that comes with no price. <3
Secret 6: I'm in love with him.
Come on, if you met a person like this wouldnt you be? But back off this one's mine.
Secret 7: Envy is my sin.
Once again this problem stems from my perfection complex and secret 1, but I can find myself getting jealous quite a bit. It wasnt always this way, but recently with the decline of my self worth and esteem, I find it more frequent. I will give myself credit though, I tend not to get to caught up in trivial things that cause jealousy, more like something that risks something very important to me. This fear of losing something I hold so dear causes the green monster to stir up inside me, and as hard as I try to suppress it, well its very rarely possible.
Secret 8: I get annoyed really easily
In fact, chances are if you know me, you have annoyed me multiple times. But dont let that change how you act around me. If you are my friend, I love you how you are and am mature enough to get past my annoyances. Also I assure you that what you bring to my life far exceeds any silly temporary annoyance I may have encountered, because like I said, the slightest thing can perturb me greatly. I wont throw away something special for that.
Secret 9: I actually miss going to church sometimes.
While I dont really believe in the whole idea of organized religion, I do believe in a higher power. Growing up in catholic schools for all my childhood life till the age of 18 , I was always blessed enough to have easy access to, what for ease and familiarity alone I will call, God. Its funny, we are taught that God is always with us, but how many of us are always with him? Without that surrounding I have to say I find myself distant. I feel like I grew apart from him when I needed him most, following my typical pattern, and long to feel that connection again. I know I dont seem like the most religious person and Im not. I curse, I can be cruel, I let myself grow apart from him so much already, but I do believe in him and in the beauty that he has given the world. A part of me feels I cant fully be happy without him.
Secret 10: Today before me lies a future of uncertainty
And I am terrified. I embrace the present not the future, 1. Because we never know when our future will come to an end so we better enjoy life while we can and 2. I'm completely horrified of not knowing. I'm not one who embraces changes thrust upon me so easily. Which is why in the present I must stay close to those who mean so much to me and be true to myself. Maybe then, I will be able to handle what the world throws at me with a little more grace. :)
Our greatest wealth is on the inside.
A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream.
The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food.
“Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me this stone.”
There is something so much more to the purpose of our lives then possessions and wealth. Sure we tell ourselves that we dont let objects rule our lives but how many of us would sincerely feel whole without the haves. And are we really to blame? Society makes us believe that in order to be accepted in this world we have to fit certain standards,met but own and attaining certain things. But since when was it right for someone else to set the standards for which we live. Truly what we need to find is inner peace, and while it is different for all of us, it is attainable, if only we are willing to get out of it's way.
Are we human because we gaze at the stars? Or do we gaze at the stars because we are human?
You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn’t true. I know a lot about love. I’ve seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate… It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves… You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and… What I’m trying to say, Tristan is… I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
Yvaine - Stardust (2007)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
No, nothing at all, I regret nothing at all
Not the good, nor the bad. It is all the same.
No, nothing at all, I have no regrets about anything.
It is paid, wiped away, forgotten.
I am not concerned with the past, with my memories.
I set fire to my pains and pleasures,
I don't need them anymore.
I have wiped away my loves, and my troubles.
Swept them all away.
I am starting again from zero.
No, nothing at all, I have no regrets
Because from today, my life, my happiness, everything,
Starts with you!
Not the good, nor the bad. It is all the same.
No, nothing at all, I have no regrets about anything.
It is paid, wiped away, forgotten.
I am not concerned with the past, with my memories.
I set fire to my pains and pleasures,
I don't need them anymore.
I have wiped away my loves, and my troubles.
Swept them all away.
I am starting again from zero.
No, nothing at all, I have no regrets
Because from today, my life, my happiness, everything,
Starts with you!
