My family being super generous with money ღ Being excited for all my packages coming in ღ Finally crossing off a bunch of things from my wish list ღ Showers ღ Clementines ღ Hot Cocoa ღ My present from Jess H ღ Leaving Jess's number for the waiter she was digging ღ Having him text instantly ღ Finally getting to pee after what seemed like the longest car ride ever! ღ Barnes & Noble ღ

Florence + the Machine (ex-boyfriend Cole) - Florence has proven to endure the toughest of break ups and managed to produce an entirely new album with no memories attached within 5 months. As if her music wasn't proof enough that she is a goddess :D

Spring Awakening (ex-best friend Kyle) - To this day Spring Awakening still remains my favorite musical ever, along with musical I have seen most times. I will always look back with fond memories of this musical and sincere thanks to the friend who started my obsession.

Footloose (ex-hookup) - Let me start off by saying that I love Kevin Bacon and I love musicals. In fact that was something he knew about me after our first meetings. So the fact that I had not seen Footloose, the movie staring Kevin Bacon and with it's own musical, amazed him. He brought his copy over for me to watch the very next time we got together. He was that serious. And I was seriously pleased with such a perfect, classic, Bonnie Tyler enthused, movie.

The amazing wonder of riding in the front cabin of a monorail at Disney World (ex friend Kim) - In all my trips to Disney to have never experienced this before is a travesty. There is no experience of Disney fireworks to compare with with that one. We had such a blast that weekend

Miyazaki Films (ex-boyfriend Cole)- Beautiful movies, just astounding. I will always be thankful for the introduction to those.

Paulo Coelho (ex boyfriend Cole) - This author was of great importance to this relationship. With his insight to love, it seemed destined. I am so happy to have been introduced to his work. Its comforting to know that if sometimes I lose my faith when it comes to love, I can always go back and read something I once strongly believed in , which inspired me.

Dreams by Fleetwood Mac (ex-fling) - This song I feel was so appropriate for the way things turned out for us. But I will never forget it. He asked me one day if there was ever a song that made me cry no matter what, this was his. A true masterpiece of a song. As you readers have seen it made it to my list of greatest songs.

Death Note (ex-crush Hot Nick from Chinese class) - I actually didn't even watch this until way after crushing on him. I thoroughly recall him discussing this show and me being wildly intrigued. It ended up being my first ever anime. It remains my favorite.

I guess the point of this post was to show that no matter how things end, there is always good that comes from every event and I truly believe that as people leave our lives we are greeted with the arrival of someone new. Each mistake is just a stepping stone to an even greater adventure, if only we aren't afraid to take the leap.

That my So Thankful Sundays are back on track ღ Wrapping Christmas presents ღ How fun Borderlands is ღ All the volumes of Ouran currently on lease from Jessica ღ Getting the tree up ღ Creating your own Call of Duty game modes with your boyfriend ღ A really good pizza ღ Flipping out over Soul Eater characters not even met ღ Obvious winking ღ

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked by Cage The Elephant



(Don't Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult



Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd



Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd



American Girl by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Happy December!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland



White Christmas by Bing Crosby



Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24) by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra



Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky



It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year By Andy Williams

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen



Touch Me by The Original Broadway Cast of Spring Awakening



One by Metallica



Hotel California by The Eagles



Rocket Man(I Think Its Gonna Be a Long Long Time) by Elton John

Finally completing FMA: B ღ Knowing what I am getting my friends and Matthew for Christmas ღ A nice and peaceful Thanksgiving ღ My Cranberry Chutney, the most delicious thing in the world ღ Figuring out what I shall drink on my 21st birthday ღ Hula Hoops ღ All the Christmas presents for me hidden in my mothers room ღ Being this much closer to the holiday season ღ Being more than halfway done with my reading challenge ღ My amazing friends, as always ღ

Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet



Heads Will Roll by Yeah Yeah Yeahs



White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane



Black Sheep by Metric



I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

Getting the Golden Trio together again ღ The super yummy dark chocolate Matthew got me as a surprise ღ My keyboard ღ The excited feeling of all the upcoming festivities ღ New Beginnings ღ I am super happy ღ Listening to Christmas music early as fuuuuck ღ Peppermint Mocha Lattes ღ This Florence cover ღ This YYY's song ღ Yummy scented candles ღ The frivolity of scaring the crap out of friends in the dark ღ Hairspray, the unwashed hand, and the Lobelia battle cry ღ "Shoot it" ღ "Jiggle" ღ Hanging out with Jessica and Matthew before he went to work ღ Laughing so hard while telling stories ღ

Florence + The Machine - No Light, No Light





...and Landscape <3 Why is that only a demo?

Rock & Roll by Eric Hutchinson



My Generation by The Who



These Boots are Made for Walkin' by Nancy Sinatra



Time To Pretend by MGMT



Lessons Learned by Matt & Kim

Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles



Howlin' For You by The Black Keys



You Can't Always Get What You Want by The Rolling Stones



Oh My Love by John Lennon



Your Song by Elton John

Dog Days Are Over by Florence + the Machine



Make Someone Happy by Jimmy Durante



Dreams by Fleetwood Mac



Piano Man by Billy Joel



Let It Be by The Beatles

Ouran High School Host Club (words can not describe the joy this show gave/gives me) ღ Hercules ღ Chamomile tea ღ Amazing weather ღ This song ღ Funimation (you should be watching) ღ Harry Potter blu-ray ღ Having a blast playing MW3 with Matthew ღ Jessica and Limbo... ღ Uncharted split-screen co-op with Jess ღ 11/11/11 ღ One month together with Matt ღ Anon lols with Jess ღ

Supermassive Black Hole by Muse



Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole



Stand by Me by Ben E. King



The Times They Are A-Changin' by Bob Dylan



Ain't No Reason by Brett Dennen

In no particular order I am listing 100 of the greatest songs ever.

Dream On By Aerosmith



Dear Prudence by The Beatles



Colors of the Wind by Judy Kuhn



At Last by Etta James



I'm Not Calling You A Liar by Florence + the Machine

Sing alongs to Sweeney Todd ღ Florence + the Machine Cd and Poster(waiting to be framed and hanged) ღ Uncharted 3 was everything I wanted and more ღ Tyler is now a Flo fanboy ღ Strawberry Milkshakes ღ Delicious sushi and spring rolls ღ Good friends ღ

Once upon a time there was this foolish traveler who had gone on a journey. Why was he foolish? Well because he was fooled by everyone he’d met. Everywhere he went people made up all kinds of sad stories to tell him, and the traveler fell for every one of them. Pretty soon his money, his clothes, even his shoes have been cheated away from him, but the foolish traveler was always glad to help and he always told people the same thing; I wish you happiness.

But by this point, the traveler was completely naked and nothing left to cover himself he decided to leave the main road and travel through the dense forest where no one can see him. But soon he was discovered by the goblins that lived in the woods. The goblins wanted to eat the traveler’s body! So they begged and pleaded and used kind words to try and trick him. Of course, the traveler was fooled. First he let the goblins eat one of his legs, then arm, then more and more. After it was over all the traveler had left was his head. He’d even given his eyes away to the last of the goblins. And as the last goblin was eating the traveler’s eyes, he turned and said, “Thank you, traveler. In return I leave you this present.” All the goblin left was this piece of paper with the word fool written on it. The traveler couldn’t see it, he didn’t know what it was. Even so, tears began to float out of his face.

“Thank you,” he said, “This is the first present anyone’s ever given me, I’m so happy!” Even without his eyes, he cried with tears of joy. Then, the traveler died, the smile still on his face.

But Momiji had a different idea:

“Yesterday, all the other kids started making fun of the traveler.. but while they did that I closed my eyes and thought about him a little bit longer…I thought about how he’d given away all he had until all that was left was his head, and about how he still cried for joy at the end… and then I realized I feel so sorry for him. Loss, hardship, stuff like that. You can’t always focus on them. The traveler didn’t, he never thought about his own troubles at all. I imagine that it probably does sound foolish to some people but not to me, I don’t think he’s foolish at all. Even though other people think he was being tricked, I don’t think he was. I think he did exactly what he wanted to do. I think, more than anything, he just wanted to make other people happy.”

Finding a part 4 avi torrent for Fullmetal ღ Losing my voice do to so much laughter and talking ღ My amazingly bitchin' Halloween pumpkin ღ My first taste of Chick-fil-a ღ My nice, big, clean room ღ Blogilates ღ Thinking of kidneys ღ Pumpkin seeds waiting to be cooked ღ Waking up from a nightmare and Matthew being there ღ Uncharted 3, being so close I can taste it. ღ Nathan Drake tastes REALLY GOOD ღ

I have decided to pick these back up! :)

The beautiful fall weather ღ Hammocks ღ The Hunger Games, Catching Fire & Mockingjay ღ A perfect pumpkin spice latte ღ Spending time with my mom again ღ All things Batman ღ November is around the corner ღ The super amazing hoodie Matthew gave me ღ Learning more about myself ღ Fullmetal alchemist fangirl Jessica ღ Learning to open up more ღ My progress I have made on my goals ღ That there are some descent people out there ღ

So I have about two and a half months left before I turn 21. Wow. This year went by fast. I thought I would do a little update on my 21 new things before I turn 21 post, keeping you all up to date on my procrastination. For the original post, click here.

1.Participate in a walk for for a cause.
I am happy to say this was one of the first things I did after making this list. It was Relay for Life and was an unbelievably satisfying event :)

2.Take a kick-boxing class.
In fact now, if I'm not busy chatting away or gaming I get in at least 20 mins of kick boxing a day. It is a really fun workout that has you feel like you are exercising but having a blast doing it :D

3.Visit Shelby and Brock.
Well sadly, for obvious reason this will never happen. But I am happy at the time it was a goal of mine. On to the future now!

4.Bake a pie from scratch.
Have yet to do this but with autumn here finally, it seems like just the perfect time!

5.Take a striper-cise class.
Actually did the research for this and there are some options locally. Just gotta assemble the team!

6.Go vegetarian again.
Well eff. Holiday season is quickly approaching and no way I am having tofu turkey! I suppose I can go for a month, get my body all prepared for TURKEY DAY!

7.Try nutella.
Gawd. It is truly heaven. I heard this to be so but I could not believe it till opening my mouth!

8.Learn to play a musical instrument.
Sadly once again this has not happened, to next years list you go!

9.Participate in Operation Beautiful.
I shall get right on this :)

10.Try Zumba.
Have yet to try this exciting exercise, but if I don't get it in this year, expect to see it next!

11.Read 21 new books.
I am currently on book 9, but I have faith in my ability to finish 21. Check out my profile on Goodreads if you want the details.

12.Watch 21 new movies.

Done. obviously. Some really great ones this year. For a list check this out.

13.Cook 21 new foods.
Working my way up slowly. But this should be a piece of cake. Hey I have a recipe for cake :P

14.Send 21 letters.
A sweet sentiment

15. Learn to crochet.
Drat!

16. Reconnect with one friend.
I have made a few small connections with friends I have lost contact with in the past, which is a success in my eyes. But I think the major one is Jessica. I am so glad to have you in my life again and that we have grown so close!

17. Write. A short story, a play, anything. just write. Obviously bolding is obvious.

18. Get a job.
Sadly still no. I really hoped for this one this year.

19. Move out on my own.
Above answer applies.

20. Attend a major community event or festival
I actually attended a few this year. But I considered this done when I participated in Relay for Life. That was exactly the type of comunity feeling I was looking for! :)

21. Take what I have learned from my 20 years of life, take it remember it and move to the future. My life starts here.
Learning more and more each day.

So a final tally of 8/21 and you know what? I am actually happy with that. Hopefully I can use these next two months to get a few more in! Wish me luck! This has been an amazing year!

I don't mean to Flo spam... ok I do, but it seemed wrong that this song was not on my blog. Im unforgivably obsessed with it.

My new favorite, for my new beginning. Just perfect.

"I am done with my graceless heart. So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart"

I'm sad at times, but Im happy. And I know that everything will be alright. Its just sometimes I feel like I don't fit in with this world. Like the dreams I have are just far too impossible. Like my ambitions and such are not right, too idealistic. Its not that I hate life. I just want so much more then this. This pressure...to be something. I want to be no one. Why can't I be no one and that be socially acceptable? What is me being no one doing to you? Why isnt my mind, my consciousness enough? Why do I have to be more? I just want to quit everything and travel the world. See beauty and love first hand. Sometimes I feel seeing it is enough you know. I am just so sick of feeling forced to be something.

But life isn't a novel. I can't just abandon responsibility and lead the life I want, as much as I feel entitled to do so.

But it is hard when you put yourself into extraordinary worlds were people are destined to be something great. I often compare my life with the characters in the books I read and think if it is possible for them, then shouldn't it be possible for me? How much of the stories I read is truly fictional? Has my imagination gotten the best of me? Thinking that extraordinaries exist in the life I have. That's something to think about. In books everything is great. Great Love. Great Pain. Great Struggle. Great Goal. Great. Where is my story about a mediocre nobody living their mediocre life happily. Probably in the bargain bin.

Ok so I told you I would get back to you today :) Sorry it took so long!
My best lesson from my worst experience would have to be what I learned from my older sister's drug addiction.You see my sister and I have never been close. I really wouldn't even say we are family except for genetics. We barely talk and I let her in on very little of my life. She had been in rehab and they asked her to speak about someone inspiring and she chose me. She spoke of how she is really proud of me for not needing anything but myself to be happy and about not giving into something I didn't want to do. She talked about how she really did love me and that she was jealous of how my life had been and that I hadn't let her have a part in it. I guess I was just surprised to discover I had meant so much to her.
It really opened my eyes. People never really know how much they mean to you. You have to tell the ones who mean something to your life. Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself, because if they are special enough to have you care about them, then it is worth it to let them know. No person has ever been offended by being loved. So spread as much love as you can and don't be afraid to show it.

I'd like to say that my sister and I became close after this. That somehow we put the 20 years of everything behind us and could really start having a true sisterly bond. But unfortunately, time waits for no one.

It is wise to remember that.

As you were dashing on the ground, your back
Was freer then the clouds that floated in the sky
And in the light that illuminates everything, I could even see
The square letters lined up in your notebook

I didn't understand the feeling known as love
So this moment in time that wouldn't return again
Taught me its meaning

I'll sear the days that I sprnt with you into my chest
So that I'll be all right even if I don't recall them
Even if I were to fall in love with someone else, someday
You'd always be special and important to me
And this season would come around again

When we first talked together after school
I was searching for your smile that no-one else knew about
For some reason, my chest felt painful
To your cheerful voice far away

I feared changing
I felt that we could always stay friends
I thought that there was no such thing as an ending

Within the endless time, the fact that I was able to meet you
Made me stronger than anything else
Even if I were to make a desperate run for tomorrow
You'd always be special and important to me
And this season would come about again

Since the summer when you told me you'll never forget
Time has passed and just now, my tears came spilling down

I'll sear the days that I spent with you into my chest
So that I'll be all right even if I don't recall them
Even if I were to fall in love with someone else someday
You'd always be special and important to me
And this season would come around again

it should have been eight.

So for Sociology class, my professor suggested students take the Jungian Typology test to determine our learning types. I figured it would be fun to share the results with my blog :)
I have to say I have been taking these test for years and my results have always been the same. After reading the descriptions I am quite confident in its accuracy. :D

INTP

In this description it is referred to as "The Architect".

"Architects need not be thought of as only interested in drawing blueprints for buildings or roads or bridges. They are the master designers of all kinds of theoretical systems, including school curricula, corporate strategies, and new technologies. For Architects, the world exists primarily to be analyzed, understood, explained - and re-designed. External reality in itself is unimportant, little more than raw material to be organized into structural models. What is important for Architects is that they grasp fundamental principles and natural laws, and that their designs are elegant, that is, efficient and coherent.

Architects are rare - maybe one percent of the population - and show the greatest precision in thought and speech of all the types. They tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies instantaneously, and can detect contradictions no matter when or where they were made. It is difficult for an Architect to listen to nonsense, even in a casual conversation, without pointing out the speaker's error. And in any serious discussion or debate Architects are devastating, their skill in framing arguments giving them an enormous advantage. Architects regard all discussions as a search for understanding, and believe their function is to eliminate inconsistencies, which can make communication with them an uncomfortable experience for many.

Ruthless pragmatists about ideas, and insatiably curious, Architects are driven to find the most efficient means to their ends, and they will learn in any manner and degree they can. They will listen to amateurs if their ideas are useful, and will ignore the experts if theirs are not. Authority derived from office, credential, or celebrity does not impress them. Architects are interested only in what make sense, and thus only statements that are consistent and coherent carry any weight with them.

Architects often seem difficult to know. They are inclined to be shy except with close friends, and their reserve is difficult to penetrate. Able to concentrate better than any other type, they prefer to work quietly at their computers or drafting tables, and often alone. Architects also become obsessed with analysis, and this can seem to shut others out. Once caught up in a thought process, Architects close off and persevere until they comprehend the issue in all its complexity. Architects prize intelligence, and with their grand desire to grasp the structure of the universe, they can seem arrogant and may show impatience with others who have less ability, or who are less driven."

An additional description...

"INTPs are pensive, analytical folks. They may venture so deeply into thought as to seem detached, and often actually are oblivious to the world around them.

Precise about their descriptions, INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off. While annoying to the less concise, this fine discrimination ability gives INTPs so inclined a natural advantage as, for example, grammarians and linguists.

INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to almost anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible. They prefer to return, however, to a reserved albeit benign ambiance, not wishing to make spectacles of themselves.

A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves. The open-endedness (from Perceiving) conjoined with the need for competence (NT) is expressed in a sense that one's conclusion may well be met by an equally plausible alternative solution, and that, after all, one may very well have overlooked some critical bit of data. An INTP arguing a point may very well be trying to convince himself as much as his opposition. In this way INTPs are markedly different from INTJs, who are much more confident in their competence and willing to act on their convictions.

Mathematics is a system where many INTPs love to play, similarly languages, computer systems--potentially any complex system. INTPs thrive on systems. Understanding, exploring, mastering, and manipulating systems can overtake the INTP's conscious thought. This fascination for logical wholes and their inner workings is often expressed in a detachment from the environment, a concentration where time is forgotten and extraneous stimuli are held at bay. Accomplishing a task or goal with this knowledge is secondary.

INTPs and Logic -- One of the tipoffs that a person is an INTP is her obsession with logical correctness. Errors are not often due to poor logic -- apparent faux pas in reasoning are usually a result of overlooking details or of incorrect context."

To take this and find out for yourself head over to humanmetrics.com and click on Jungian Typology, upper left.

I have a journal now dear blog of mine. Now I know how it sounds, but trust me, this does not diminish what we have together in the slightest. Here I can come to share my thoughts, without a fear of who see's them. But I don't know. I suppose my journal is good for me for those times when I feel like no one would really care to hear what I have to say or I am too afraid to even admit something to myself and I need to work it out. Maybe I just feel free to ramble more there, to completely ease my mind from the constant stream of thoughts which plague it. I do think a lot you know. But I repeat blog, what we have is special, so there is no need to fear.

Writing has become such an escape for me. I can get my thoughts out even when I feel there isn't a soul out there who cares. And I owe that revelation to you blog. Thank you for always be there to listen.

“And from that day forward, women embraced their diversity and realized that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. Ah ha ha. No. I’m totally messing with you. All Beyonce and JLo have done is add to the laundry list of attributes women must have to qualify as beautiful. Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.”

-Tina Fey.

I'm confused. I really am. It won't surprise you to hear the topic of which I am confused. It's that oh so familiar topic that has come up on oh so many minds on lonely nights. Love.

I really don't even know where to begin in explaining my confusion. I think of the topic and immediately thoughts start rushing out like water from a broken dam.

It's hard for me to talk about this. Not fully understanding it. Usually I like to think on a subject for quite some time before delving into writing about it. I like to really know my viewpoint you know? It is less confusing that way. But love, ah love, it won't have it that way will it? No of course not. Love is never easy.

I want to start with the something that ignited me to write this post: Marriage, or better yet, divorce.
It really scares me to see so many marriages ending. I was raised under fairy tales and happy endings. I am a closeted romantic who despite being unsure of love has always opened her heart to it. Is it only I who finds the crumble of the sanctity of marriage far more than slightly off-putting? I mean I even had a drunken rant about this!
Seriously, though. It is as if marriage is just the next step down relationship highway, with an available exit. How is it so many people can take a vow of forever and still so many people are leaving each other? What happened to for better or worse?
Call me old-fashioned, but I want to wait till I know my love is real. I've always called myself picky, but I suppose that isn't the right word. I just want to know that when I go into something it is for more than a desire to ease my lonely nights. That something inside me, some part of my soul, feels connected to this person in an eternal way.

I guess that is why I was never prepared for a breakup. (Don't worry I will try to keep the break-up talk to a minimum. I only even bring it up because it has a lot to do with my current viewpoints of love, and this being a post about love, it seems unavoidable. )
You see when I told him I loved him, I gave him my heart, and I'm afraid it is something I will never get back. Whether he wants it our not, a piece will always remain with him. I suppose the best I can hope for is that if he loved me like he said, that a piece of his resides in me. But see here is where love gets difficult. If he did love me, why are we over? As I said before, I am in it for the long haul. I don't want to date many people. I have always known what it is that I have wanted and my past relationship only validates that I am right. I want to find a love so beautiful, the earth can only smile in sight of us. So only two conclusions can come from this scenario. Either he never loved me or love can not last. I don't know which one is worse and I have spent too many nights already crying about either option.

So you see this is where I am. Wanting to believe in love but finding it very hard to. How is it possible for someone to feel so strongly about another and the other not reciprocate feelings? and if feelings were reciprocated, how is it they can go away and change? Is it possible that all we know about love is indeed a lie. Maybe we don't have one person made for us. Maybe love can happen between any two people if the timing is right. It doesn't mean you were destined to be together, It means that we as people are one and therefore we reside in each other, and have come to find ourselves here at the same place in time.

I think I am starting to believe that true love does not exist anymore. Maybe a while ago we could see the remains of it, but today society impacts too much of how love is. We are happy with what we have until something seeming better comes along, because society tells us that better is always right. We don't have the perfect life, until we have the perfect stuff. We people have become commodities. That's it. And you can call me cynical that's fine, but I don't see my mind changing.

Too many people are influenced by the world, instead of embracing it. We shouldn't feel pressure from the world, we should feel love. In the end that's what will destroy us. That we, as people, brought an end to love.

ONE WINTER

The Smiths - Asleep


Ride Vapour - Trail


Simon & Garfunkel - Scarborough Fair/Canticle


Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Pale


Nick Drake - Time Of No Reply


The Beatles - Dear Prudence


Suzanne Vega - Gypsy


The Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin


The Smashing Pumpkins - Daydream


Genesis - Dusk


U2 - MLK


The Beatles - Blackbird


Fleetwood Mac - Landslide


and finally...

The Smiths - Asleep

AGAIN! :)

I have had a desire to read The Perks of Being a Wallflower for quite some time, and I am happy to say it did not disappoint. I basically couldn't put it down.

The story is told in a series of letters. We have no idea who the letters are being written to, only that they are written by "Charlie" starting on the eve of his first day of high school. Charlie is a wallflower: observant and not too apt in the art of participation. He makes friends with a unique group of people, probably the group of friends I would I have had actually. The letters chronicle the inner dwellings of his mind throughout his first year of high school.

Now a little fun fact about me, all throughout my childhood and even young adolescence, I adored stories told in a diary format. They provide a personal connection that you just can not get from most other works. Almost like the author is speaking directly to you. We never do find out who it is Charlie is talking to, making it all the more easier to fall into the story.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is look into that sensitive side even the hardest of us have. That soft spot of insecurity and uncertainty. While definitely more relatable to an actual "wallflower", even an extrovert can find a connection to our lovable Charlie.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower delves into a new perspective on life, one more of us should grow to understand. Charlie is a visionary really, being able to see past the hardships and remain optimistic. At the end of the novel, I was left with an overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be ok, and I believed it.

Clearly I highly recommend this read. Its fast and fulfilling. :)

I'm happy. Its funny but my day actually didn't start off so well, I actually grabbed my journal to go outside and vent, but somehow something just changed as I sat there among the green of my backyard and my entry actually ended rather positively.

I am a very lucky girl. I may not have the best luck but, lucky? Yes I am most certainly am. You see I have so much to be thankful for and while it may not seem like much, it truly is. I have love.

To my friends, I love you. You are all so beautiful my heart sometimes can't take it you know. I am thankful for you guys on a daily basis.

Jessica, You are amazing. You really are. Honestly I love everything about you. In truth I wish we were a bit closer, because you really seem like someone whom I could just share anything with and we could be really close friends. I want us to be so much closer and Im going to start doing things about it! I have always admired you, a true compliment from me for I fully admire very few people. You are someone I look up to and respect. Someone I would want my children to be like. You have so many positive attributes. I can not help but smile when I am around you. I love you.

Tyler, You are the savior of my life. In so many ways. I have positively no doubt that our friendship will last forever, no matter where our futures take us. The universe will have it be so! On many dark nights for me it was you who made me see the light, even if you never realized you did. I love you. so incredibly much.

Jess, We are both going through rough times, but we will see each other through. You are beautiful. Jess I mean it you are. You don't need to ever change yourself for anyone. Both the world and I will always be here rooting for you. Accept happiness. Don't question it. I love you.

I decided to be honest. and to quit with the hate. Hate is a destroyer of beautiful things, and I have no room for that in my world.

Games and manipulation just leave me tired. I'm going to stop denying my feelings. I'm going to stop feeling guilty for the thoughts, fears, desires, or love which live inside me.

I am one with the world and it is time I truly revealed myself to it.

I'm happy.

Song of the moment. <3

I'm back! :) And I mean in all forms. Not just to blogging but to myself. :)

Of course I'm still clueless as ever and this will return to my random ramblings but I'm happy to be feeling like my old self :)

I realized that things really are never as bad as they seem. There is always a light in the dark, after all are there not stars at night and a moon? Well I'm going to be my own moon and my friends, well they are my beautiful stars who make my sky brighter.

Ok so sometimes the star will burn out and will no longer provide a light to my life but that does not diminish, even for a second, the stars that remain. :D

Maybe one day I'll find that sun, but hey I was always more of a night person anyway :P

Friends who show you how much you are loved ღ The greatest breakup music artist for me right now ღ My new co-op partner ღ This movie ღ Beating the PlayStation system by utilizing having two accounts ღ My Portal gift ღ That I am that much closer to seeing Matt & Kim with my best friend ღ Cinnamon bread ღ That super yummy bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds that I had today ღ The 20 long stem roses sitting on my counter ღ Blowing bubbles ღ Playing Frisbee in a field ღ Sleep, the little I have been getting anyway. Some is always better than none ღ You ღ Chloe (a friend's dog) kisses! ღ November rain ;) ღ

Before you read this: Tangent Warning. There will be loose ends and things that just do not make sense to you. But hey, I'm emotional and almost never let my feelings out, so this was a great difficulty.
Sometimes I have so much to say, that well I just do not know where to begin. I suppose its partly due to my closed off nature that I never know exactly how to say certain things. It just so many thoughts come racing in and I don't know which one to let out first. I'm a frightened individual,I never want to be hurt or ever hurt someone. So I pretty much keep to myself. I try so hard not to be dependent on others and do everything I can to push others away from being dependent on me, but the truth is I need people and I want them to need me. I realized the other night that for as long as I am able to remember, I have judged my worth on other people. Which ok isn't the worst thing, being that people do ultimately bring worth to our lives, but it has gotten to a point that without people I truly can not find a reason to love myself.
And that doesn't sound right does it? I mean sure we have our insecurities and sure we have those things we would love to change about ourselves, but even still we deserve to love ourselves.
I suppose it has a lot to do with how I was raised. In all honesty, I never felt loved as a child. In fact it was quite the opposite to most of my family, excluding my mother and aunt. For some reason, I was just the forgotten child. My sister never seemed to have this problem, in fact my grandparents stole her away and treated her as their own. She never had a birthday forgotten, or was never yelled at or got her hair pulled for making a childlike mistakes. She was taken in as a member of the family. Now before you think I'm going on to tell some pity story, I assure you I am only doing this to give you a background into my psyche. Things weren't all terrible, as every life goes, with its ups there are downs. But yes as a child, I felt like love wasn't something I intended on believing in. I grew to learn that I was on my own and with that, independence from my family followed. I don't really have a family, I am detached emotionally from them. They know nothing of my life and that is how I like it.

Now onto today. As you may know, I fell in love with a wonderful, amazing, sweet boy sometime last year and as you also may know we are no longer seeing each other. I'm not going lie and say I am anything other than devastated. He brought such a light to my life and now it is completely put out. I miss him.

He is going through a hard time and can no longer be with me. To me, this means I am more of a hindrance to his growth than an asset. All I ever wanted was for him to love me as much as he said he did. So much that living with out me seemed impossible. For a while it was that way and I felt amazing. Because for the first time in my life someone truly loved me for no selfish reason. He loved me because the world willed it to be so.
So naturally when a love like that just disappears, you have to wonder why, and what went wrong. I will always blame myself. Despite everything he says, I will never truly believe it is all he is saying and it eats away at me. Because to me, it was the first time I really let go with someone. I opened up enough to let him into my heart and I trusted him not to break it. It wasn't easy, I found myself in the earlier days of us pushing myself away, thinking how could he ever love me like he says he does? But I eventually let him in and loved him, something I have never done before.
Before him, I found it hard to believe that there was indeed a thing called love. I was certain that it was just another unattainable goal society places on us, to find "happiness".
But I was wrong. I know that. And he showed me.
I guess that is why I am taking this break up so badly. When you've never had faith in something and someone comes along and shows you it is real, when they are gone its like a piece of you is torn away. They helped you find, within yourself, something powerful and sometimes we don't always have the power to awaken it ourselves.
I guess, like a turtle, I kind of went back into my shell. I had been coaxed out finally but something happened that scared me and I closed up completely. I was hurt and I started to think to myself, that It was all a lie. There is no such thing as love, he fooled me into believing so. (This caused anger stage, where Ashley yelled at him and insisted he tell her it meant nothing) But there was a problem with that, I had felt it. I had felt love and I couldn't deny that. (This caused Ashley's remorse and hopeful stage, where she asked what she could have done to change how things happened, and hoped that he would realize this is stupid and come back)But then it just hit me. He doesn't need me and as much as I wanted him to, I can not change that. I needed him. Because for the first time in my love I was experiencing love and honestly, I am terrified to let that go. But I can not be scared of losing love. I can not be dependent upon him to open its door. The truth is I need to learn to love myself.

So,I love you. and though right now it may seem that I will never love another person but you, I need to let go. I can't fight for us any longer because of my dependence.
I need to just appreciate the fact that you showed me that love exists. Just because I love you doesn't mean we belong together. You gave me what I needed, and perhaps that was all your duty to me. So I will forget those promises, and forget those hopes, but always remember what you taught me. You were my first true love and I will never forget you.

As for loving myself, I think realizing that maybe all we've gone through together was something that I had no control over, I can neglect blaming myself for just this once. Lingering on thoughts will just prevent me from doing so.

I am a wonderful person, who sees so much beauty in the world, I need to learn to see it in myself.

I have wonderful friends who care about me, and if I am able to have them, then I have done something right.

I am not a worthless person. And one day I will believe it and it won't be because a person is telling me so.

I realize I have missed my So Thankful Sunday post and for that I am sorry.

I have some sad news today. Starting now I will be taking a break from my computer and cell phone. This will be hard, but right now, I feel it is something that I need to do.

I will have a post explaining in more detail, later. But as of this moment, this is all I can spare.

Again as I said this will be hard, I do not know how long it will take. I have some problems I need to sort out, but I ask that you please give me your support. If you see me online please tell me to get off, If I text you, tell me to put the phone down. I do not know if I can handle being alone right now, but it is something I need to do.

The break will end when there is a new post on here.

I just realized it was Sunday and have yet to write my Thankful post.

Friends who are always there for you ღ Getting introduced to some cool bands ღ That rapture wasn't real (not that I thought it was) ღ Meeting some new friends ღ Seeing some old ones ღ Making fun of lackluster speeches at my old high school's graduation with an old friend ღ This post on my friend's blog ღ That you taught me to love ღ That even if just for a moment, you had made me feel like the greatest I had ever felt, and like anything was possible ღ

You and I - Ingrid Michaelson

Time for this week's So Thankful Sunday.

My gold trophy for beating Uncharted 2 ღ PSN is back ღ This amazing website filled with delicious recipes ღ Pizza Lunchables ღ This playlist from 8tracks ღ This game (you just lost the game btw) ღ Philosophical discussions with two of your best friends. ღ This song ღ

So I came across this story while browsing the internet and it really struck a chord with me.

"Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.

It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss.

What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry.

Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, and made me laugh and weep.

But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partyers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.

Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.

But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation.

Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.



So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80′s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knick-knacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing”, I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”



I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

“I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”



We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she answered.

“There are other passengers”.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

By Kent Nerburn
Adapted from “Make me an Instrument of Your Peace”

You can find the website here and the book here.

Starting today, as part of my Health Month Challenge, once a week I am going to list those smalls things that make me smile, those things that make my days a little easier, the things I am so thankful for.

ღ MOMS ღ Pretty springtime flowers ღ The smell of used books ღ Photo booth pictures ღ Paulo Coelho ღ THIS gif ღ Single Player and Campaign modes ღ THIS song I found on THIS blog ღ Red-velvet cheesecake brownies made by Taylor Doyle ღ Restaurants with live bands who are willing to sing The Beatles for your best friend's birthday ღ Awesome foot massages from the guy who gives you your pedicure ღ Half-priced grande peppermint mocha frappuccinos ღ Playing letter/sign games with your friends on the way home from the beach and not even bothering keeping score ღ Really BEAUTIFUL weather ღ

This week's Thankful song : dedicated to all mothers. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

He pointed to a print hanging on the wall:

"Do you know what it is? It's one of the most famous paintings in the world: The Last Supper, painted by Leonardo da Vinci."

"It can't be as famous as all that," said the hotel landlady.

"It was very cheap."

"That's only a reproduction: the original is in a church a long, long way from here. But there's a story about this picture you might like to hear."

...

"When he was creating this picture, Leonardo da Vinci encountered a serious problem: he had to depict Good -in the person of Jesus-and Evil-in the figure of Judas, the friend who resolves to betray him during the meal. He stopped work on the painting until he could find his ideal models.

"One day, when listening to a chior, he saw in one of the boys the perfect image of Christ. He invited him to his studio and made sketches and studies of his face.

"Three years went by. The Last Supper was almost complete, but Leonardo had still not found the perfect model for Judas. The cardinal responsible for the church started to put pressure on him to finish the mural.

"After many days spent vainly searching, the artist came across a prematurely aged youth, in rags and lying drunk in the gutter. With some difficulty, he persuaded his assistants to bring the fellow directly to the church. since there was no time left to make preliminary sketches.

"The beggar was taken there, not quite understanding what was going on. He was propped up by Leonardo's assistants, while Leonardo copied the lines of impiety, sin and egotism so clearly etched on his features.

"When he had finished, the beggar, he had sobered up slightly, opened his eyes and saw the picture before him. With a mixture of horror and sadness he said:

" 'I've seen that picture before!'

" 'When?' asked the astonished Leonardo.

" 'Three years ago, before I lost everything I had, at a time when I used to sing in a chior and my life was full of dreams. The artist asked me to pose as the model for the face of Jesus.' "

There was a long pause. The stranger was looking at the priest, who was drinking his beer, but Chantal knew his words were directed at her.

"So you see, Good and Evil have the same face; it all depends on when they cross the path of each individual human being. "

“…It was the pure language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe need none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only women in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world …And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one’s dreams would have on meaning. Maktub, thought the boy.” Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Happy 4 months <3

"So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you."
— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

There are many beautiful things in this world. Each day we are blessed with the natural wonders of the earth: the stars, the clouds, the nature which surrounds us and makes our earth so glorious. These are the beauties we can see and love daily, but how often do we think about the other beauty in our lives. It is approximated that worldwide, 10.8 million people get diagnosed with cancer a year. Of that 10.8 million, it is estimated that 6.8 die from it. I don't know about you but to me that screams that 4 million a year are cured. Well this past month I had the honor up close to witness their strength first hand.
It was my first time participating in Relay for Life, but let me tell you it will not be my last. I've always had a desire to help anyone and every thing with every step I could, I totally want to save the world.(And I think with a little push, a little love and some undying hope, I can.) But never before have I really seen as much inspiration as in this group of people, because you see, this group of people were survivors. Just a simple act of walking around a track brought tears to my eyes. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
These people had fought hard, possibly against the hardest means, and there they stood in front of me, proud to be alive. We are rarely blessed to see such a thirst and thankfulness for life in this world.
It was just glorious to see a group of people who fought so hard, standing up showing they didn't give up and they will not give up. If that is not inspirational, I do not know what is.

The following was featured on Paulo Coelho's blog.

"A Samurai who was known for his nobility and honesty, went to visit a Zen monk to ask advice.

– Why do I feel so inferior? – he asked, as soon as the monk finished his prayers. – I have faced death many times, have defended those who are weak, Nevertheless, upon seeing you meditating, I felt that my life had absolutely no importance whatsoever.

– Wait. Once I have attended to all those who come to see me today, I shall answer you.

The samurai spent the whole day sitting in the temple gardens, watching the people go in and out in search of advice. He saw how the monk received them all with the same patience and the same illuminated smile on his face.

At nightfall, when everyone had gone, he demanded:
– Now can you teach me?

The master invited him in and lead him to his room. The full moon shone in the sky, and the atmosphere was one of profound tranquility.

– Do you see the moon, how beautiful it is? It will cross the entire firmament, and tomorrow the sun will shine once again.
“But sunlight is much brighter, and can show the details of the landscape around us: trees, mountains, clouds.
“I have contemplated the two for years, and have never heard the moon say: why do I not shine like the sun? Is it because I am inferior?

– Of course not – answered the samurai. – The moon and the sun are different things, each has its own beauty. You cannot compare the two.

– So you know the answer. We are two different people, each fighting in his own way for that which he believes, and making it possible to make the world a better place; the rest are mere appearances."



I always find it magical has Paulo Coelho always seems to know what is going on in my mind. <3
To me, it's like he is constantly listening to my thoughts and every time I start to sway from being my own warrior of light, he posts something to make me realize how silly I am behaving. Thanks again, Paulo Coelho.

I've done a few of these things before, so I will try to keep my facts as fresh as possible for those friends of mine on facebook subjected to read through dozens of notes about me. :)

1. I think every food is made more fun when eating it with chopsticks. Especially these.... click me! WANT SO BADLY!

2. My favorite position to chill out in is on my back with my legs up against my body not touching the surface I am on. I then like to move them around by kicking or bouncing.

3. I love everything and anything tie-dye. Its actually one of my favorite summertime activities to do <3

4. I like to swoosh my hair, a lot. Think pearl in Finding Nemo with her tentacles.

5. I want to make the world as bright as I possibly can! :D

6. My favorite time of day is just before the sun rises. The darkness is beautiful, it is. But there is a feeling of danger that comes along with that beauty. Just before the sun rises, there is this overwhelming feeling of true content. The sky is a beautiful color, blending the night sky and the light of the sun. It is like staring at nature's own watercolor painting.

7. I enjoy complete and utter silence. I think it is important to be alone to yourself with just your thoughts, maybe a book. Silence in itself is a beautiful sound. For even the absence of sound is its own distinct sound.

And there you go, 7 random facts about moi. :)

The first thing I think of when I look back onto my childhood is laying in the grass. I spent a lot of my time as a child outside, as I'm sure we all did. It is one of the most beautiful things about being a kid. Things were so simple then. Its not that times grow more difficult as we age, it is just that we cant escape from them as easily. All you needed when you were a child was your imagination, but now if I were to go running around through my back yard, pretending to be a detective or fairy, I would get a one way trip to an insane asylum. That's what is beautiful about youth, and why we will always yearn to relive it. But we can't. It is one of those moments we have to cherish. It is like that Dr. Seuss quote, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I will always love my childhood and will always have the fond memories of the freedom of it all.

And because of this, I will always retain that beautiful childhood essence.

Well considering I wrote about things close to me in my 3 lucky charms post, I'm going to take this question in the literal sense :)

Right now, I am currently sitting on my bed with my back against the wall and the windowsill at eye level. The Black Swan menu is playing repetitively on my ps3 because I am about to watch it.

Looking around the first thing I spot is my new copy of Princess Mononoke sitting on my bed. I just got it from Amazon today and finished watching it with Shelby a little earlier. If you have never seen this movie, the male lead is named Ashitaka and The Princess, San, is raised by wolves.So Shelby and I decided that I was Ashitaka, because my name is Ashley and he was Mononoke, because he is part wolf. So, no this doesn't hold any real significance but it is a memory I will cherish.

The next item I see is my cell phone, not really exciting, I know. But it does give me a link to people. I used to be addicted to my cell phone back in high school and freshmen year of college, but now, not so much. It is a very handy tool for communication and I love it, but in no way to I let it rule my life. I actually have let it gone days with no battery, just because I had access to those I needed.

Next, I see my pillow. Pillows are wonderful things aren't they? They provide support and comfort. When I need a place to rest my head, there is no better place than a pillow. Pillows are durable, but just as soft. In a lot of ways a pillow can be a model of people. It is soft and there for you and can be just the relief and love that you need to take care of you,. but if you wont take care of it, eventually you will need a replacement.

Coming near the end of the line, the fourth item I see closest to me is my Relay for Life Tshirt. Nothing really special, but it does symbolize something special. I had a great time at Relay for life, one I intend on blogging about.

And finally the fifth item I see is Love necklace draped over my headboard, given to me by a good friend. This friend and I have an undying love for Sex and the City. The necklace is of the same appearance of as the love key chain, carrie gets in the movie. It was a symbol of love, that even if you fon't see it love is always in your life.

So there it is, rather bland, but done. :)

1. Jessica H.

Now I already told you how Jess and I came to be friends, but I never really shared why we are friends. Jessica is one of those people that come off careless but when it comes down to it, she isn't. Jessica is my one friend who was there for me when I really needed one. She is the kind of person, who isn't afraid to drop everything for the people she loves and who if she saw you get hurt, would make a living hell for the person who hurt you. In so many ways I admire her. She isn't afraid to say the wrong thing, she isn't afraid to be hated. She cares about those who she loves and only them. It's good to have a friend be so willing to fight for you. Jessica helped me blossom in so many ways, she helped me escape my sheltered bubble and become someone I am happy to be. When I'm with her I feel more at peace with myself than with most others. We can share everything with each other and thats really cool.

2. Jessica C.

We met in high school and I instantly liked her. Jessica is one of those positive, lovable, goofy people who bring nothing but happiness to you :D Think Spongebob. She is a good friend and uber perceptive. Its one of my favorite things about her. She has never ever been afraid to be herself. I admire her so much. When I'm with Jessica I always feel comfortable, even in our moments of awkward penguin silence. She is by far my most supportive friend and I really just love her so much! :D I'm glad we are starting to grow closer, because she is the kind of girl I want to have in my life always. I need to have her in my life always!

3. Tyler W.

I always kinda liked this kid, even before we really knew each other. He is one of the few people whom I can actually recall the first time seeing, must be his gingerness. I "met" him in creative writing club. I say "met" because we didn't really talk, not at least until afterwards when we talked about Elie Wiesel, which was brief. But I remember where he was sitting and everything and exactly how he looked. This sounds creepy, but I guess it is just that my mind knew that some day this guy would be really important to me. I remember thinking he was at least a year older than me. We "met" again during lent on a Wed, when we would both go to the Lenten prayer service, during the our father he was next to me and we held hands. I remember worrying that mine might be clammy. (Its not that I normally have clammy hands, but it was hot outside and I hate having to hold hands with someone who is clammy and I always worry about returning the favor.) We didn't say anything to each other. I guess Tyler was one of those people who were meant to be in my life though, because even after two failed attempts the earth made at having us be friends, another one arose. My friend Stes(another ginger) was getting together a small group of friends to participate in the 30 hour famine, and to make that part of this long story short, he attended as well.He was wearing his my red hair gives me superpowers shirt and I complemented him on it, and we started talking again. 30 hour famine was one of my best experiences. I became closer to so many people and really began to open up. As for Tyler and me we obviously bonded, it was cool. I learned that he was even cooler than I thought he was(which I will never verbally admit to his face.) But even this was just the beginning of our friendship. Senior year was where we really became close. Tyler did his first play, and as any one who has participated in a theater knows your cast is your family, even the people you hate. We would hang out at practice which was awesome. Our group of friends was so tight-knit. We played 20 questions, he probably doesn't remember this, and even started hanging out outside school. By college it was safe to say we had grown pretty close, we hung out in my dorm all first semester and second semester we had our Monday/Wednesday lunch dates at Einstein's. I miss our lunches. I think our lunches are where we really became the level of friends we are now. We started feeling comfortable about talking about anything to each other. I guess what I love about Tyler is all I admire about him. Yes he can be insecure and judgmental, but he is never cruel. He is dedicated and supportive and entirely loving of his friends. He is one of the best friends a person can have. I have never had a bad time hanging out with him, even if I'm crying or upset. He is just one of the most amazing people I have come to know in my 20 years, a real life changer of a friend.

4. Shelby

He is my best friend. The friend who inspires me to live day to day. The friend whose spirit runs through my body. There is a strength he gives me, that I never even knew I had. And I know everything I may say about him will sound so cliche but they are true. He knocks the skeptic right out of me and makes me believe in the impossible. Never before have I felt so connected, so afraid to lose, so completely head over heels in love with a guy. I feel like any words used to describe him are unworthy of describing the light inside him. I really love him. I do. Its scary and terrifying, but here it is, I do. Never before has a person given me as much courage and strength and security in myself. He gives me the courage to live my life without fear. He alone restored my faith in this world, and if I could give him a fragment of the strength he has given me I would feel lucky. He is the most beautiful person I have ever known. Shelby, we are like rivers. We can flow separately, but together we have such a force, a force that will lead us into the deepest oceans. You are the moon to my sun, the brightest star in our constellation. I love you. Thank you for being my best friend.

A lucky charm, what even is one? I'm not so sure if I even believe in luck, and if I do I definitely do not think it comes from some outer element but rather inside us. But,I suppose there are things that hold a power in us though.
For example, My stuffed wolf Shelby. I sleep with him every night and the nights I hold him close are the nights I feel most content. When I was sick I clung to him dearly, and even brought him to the hospital with me. It was a way for Shelby to be with me, even if he couldn't physically. It's a build-a-bear wolf so on the inside is a heart with a wish for me and him. His birth date on his birth certificate is December 25th, 2010. The official beginning of us. The wolf is Shelby's animal. He is my alpha. And as I hold this wolf now, and kiss him, and hug him, I know Shelby can feel it.
Another lucky, albeit odd, charm would be my laptop. I know it sounds like Im addicted to the internet, which I am, but that is not the point of its importance. On the day I bought my laptop, My best friend Jess was doing the same. Jess and I had gone to both middle and high school together, but were never really friends. I was so excited to get my new laptop, it was the first time a computer was really mine! I remembering ripping it out of the box and setting it up to AIM with my best friend at the time. I signed onto facebook and was so excited to chat with people on there with MY keyboard! Then Ski messaged me telling me he had just gotten skype and how I need to get it! Me, being excited to have the ability to download whatever I wanted without my mother's consent was completely for it. So I downloaded skype. Now I don't really know how Jess and I got to exchanging names, but Justin had told her to download it too, and somehow we ended up talking. I told her about my new computer and she told me about hers and then we realized that WE BOTH HAD THE SAME ONE! What a crazy random happenstance right? Two separate people buying the same computers on the same day! Crazy. Well Jess and I ended up skyping almost every night, occasionally throwing Chez or Doyle in the mix and it was so fun. When she came to town to deal with things going on home, we hung out every day for hours and I mean every day. We became such close friends, almost inseparable all because we both had gotten new computers!
But that is not where the computer magic stops, not even close. It was through my computer that I first began to talk to my then sexual play toy. It was through the computer that I would talk to tyler each day on twitter bonding or go on dailybooth meeting awesome new friends. But most of all It was through my computer, that a sweet girl stumbled into a sweet guy, and sparks flew. Yes, I know its strange to say but without my computer, I really don't know how similar my life would be to the one I am living now.
As for my final lucky charm well, I really don't know. I guess it's really a culmination of all my memories. Behind every experience is a lesson and I make sure to take mine with me wherever I go. No luck can ever live up to a girl who has lived. Life is my luckiest charm, so I'm gonna live mine to the fullest! :D

1.Participate in a walk for for a cause.

2.Take a kick-boxing class.

3.Visit Shelby and Brock.

4.Bake a pie from scratch.

5.Take a striper-cise class.

6.Go vegetarian again.

7.Try nutella.

8.Learn to play a musical instrument.

9.Participate in Operation Beautiful.

10.Try Zumba.

11.Read 21 new books.

12.Watch 21 new movies.

13.Cook 21 new foods.

14.Send 21 letters.

15. Learn to crochet.

16. Reconnect with one friend.

17. Write. A short story, a play, anything. just write.

18. Get a job.

19. Move out on my own.

20. Attend a major community event or festival

21. Take what I have learned from my 20 years of life, take it remember it and move to the future. My life starts here.

There are many places I would like to visit in my lifetime, It is a hard choice for only two.
But I suppose one would have to be Italy. I would really love to see all the beautiful architecture, experience the beautiful art, take a gondola ride in the sinking city. Italy is definitely one country I hope to experience many cities of. For the longest time I hoped to live there, and who knows maybe one day I will, even if only for a brief time.

Another would have to be Egypt. Ive always been drawn to its rich background and its majesty. I hope to one day stare and the Pyramids and walk the sands that Santiago walked in search of his personal legend.

Travel is a beautiful thing, experiencing so many different worlds. In so many ways I am envious of my aunt for all of her travel experiences! I mean she lived in paris for 8 years! I hope one day to see as much as her. <3

There is this strength you give me, and I know I don't say it enough. But truly, the joy you have brought to my life, well, it is unmeasurable. Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I could look my friend in the eye and tell her I was happy, and mean it. It's like that Paulo Coelho quote, “Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.” Only so much more was found than love. You brought me understanding and knowledge of things about me I didn't even know existed. You opened my whole world. I am happy with me because of you. You give me the strength to accept myself and my downfalls. You will never truly know how much you have lit up my life in this past 5 months. I didn't know it was possible to have a true love, but you are mine. Because to me a true love can come from many people, a friend, a family member, and significant other. What makes someone a true love is their ability to shake you to the core and make you want to be a better person, not for them though, for you. You inspire me on a daily basis and darling, never forget that.

"Not gone."

As I shared with you in my final song challenge post, I love the sentiments of the song "Those you've known". All I really want those who cared for me on earth to know, is that I will always be with them. Our lives never end on earth, even in death, because the people whose souls we've touched carry that with them, spreading it to others. We are all one in the end. One with each other, one with the earth, one with the stars. As long as their is one soul, no one is truly gone.

PERSONAL 7 DAY CHALLENGE

What is one thing you would want to say to one person before you died?
Where are two places you want to visit most?
What are your three lucky charms?
Who are your 4 closest friends and what do you like about them?
Pick 5 things closest to you. What are they, and do they hold any significance in your life?
Do you remember being 6 years old? What did you enjoy most about being a kid?
Say 7 random things about yourself.


Shelby and I will be doing this challenge together :D

The Warrior of the Light is a believer.

Because he believes in miracles, miracles begin to happen. Because he is sure that his thoughts can change his life, his life begins to change. Because he is certain that he will find love, love appears.

Now and then, he is disappointed. Sometimes, he gets hurt.

Then he hears people say: "He's so ingenuous!"

But the Warrior knows that it is worth it. For every defeat, he has two victories in his favor.

All believers know this.

Those You've Known by John Gallagher Jr., Lea Michele, and Jonathan Groff



There are many songs I could listen to endlessly. I can often be found looping my favorite artists, listening to my favorite songs over and over again. But I suppose if I had to choose one, it would have to be my favorite song from my favorite musical.

I feel a need to post these lyrics, because to me the are so stunningly beautiful and truthful. Yes the music is beautiful as well, with its amazing string section and piano arrangement, but what makes this song so meaningful to me is the lyrics.

"Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
They linger till they find you

Without them
The world grows dark around you
And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you

WENDLA
Those you’ve pained
May carry that still with them
All the same
They whisper: “All forgiven.”

Still your heart says
The shadows bring the starlight
And everything you’ve ever been is still there in the dark night

WENDLA
When the northern wind blows
The sorrows your heart holds
There are those who still know –
They’re still home
We’re still home

MORITZ (Sung In Counterpart)
Though you know
You’ve left them far behind
You walk on by yourself, and not with them –

Still you know
They will fill your heart and mind
When they say there’s a way through this

MELCHIOR, MORITZ AND WENDLA
Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
Their song still seems to find you

They call you
As if you knew their longing –
They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling

MELCHIOR
All alone
But still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning

The stars too
They tell of spring returning –
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known

(MORITZ and WENDLA Join with Counterparts)

They call me –
Through all things –
Night’s falling
But somehow I go on

You watch me
Just watch me –
I’m calling
From longing

WENDLA (Sung in Counterpart)
When the northern wind blows
The sorrows your heart’s known –
I believe…

MORITZ (Sung in Counterpart)
Still you known
There’s so much more to find –
Another dream, another love you’ll hold

Still you know
To trust your own true mind
On your way – you are not alone
There are those who still know

MELCHIOR (Sung Alone)
Now they’ll walk on my arm through the distant night
And I won’t let them stray from my heart
Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light
I will read all their dreams to the stars

I'll walk now with them
I’ll call on their names
I’ll see their thoughts are known

WENDLA
Not gone –
Not gone –

MELCHIOR
They walk with my heart –
And I'll never let them go

I’ll never let them go
I’ll never let them go
You watch me
Just watch me
I’m calling
I’m calling –
And one day all will know"

Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up) by Florence + the Machine



This is a very cute story. Warning: All the "adores" lie ahead. So I had been wondering for a while what song I was going to use for this challenge. Apart from maybe prom, I have never really danced with my friends. I mean I suppose there was some point in which I did, but none that particularly stood out. I was talking to Shelby, explaining to him how no matter how much I tried to think of a song nothing was coming to my mind. So suddenly, with his cute little idea face, he told me not to worry because I was going to dance with him. And he sent me a link, before clicking it I knew that naturally it was florence. I hit play and he jumped up and instantly started dancing like, well a fool, an adorable, wonderful, spectacular fool. The sight of his cute little face and his smile and him jumping around, practically re-enacting this video brought the biggest smile to my face. And so I danced with him. <3

I cant bring myself to notice the omen of his song choice either. What better song for my blog challenge, than the one for which it is named? Shelby, you are a gift that comes with no price. <3

Time by Pink Floyd



This post is actually quite humorous because in all actuality, I really like a lot of Pink Floyd's music. Wow, that was nice to get off my chest, but never bring it up again I'll deny ever typing it! You see when I was younger, my mother would listen to Pink Floyd ALL the time. I was a pretty open child and liked most of the music my mother listened to, however Pink Floyd, along with the Beatles I could not stand. You see this was my mother's "down" music. When she was upset or really depressed, those were the cds she would run to and me being a very young impressionable child, made that connection and grew to seriously dislike both bands. It actually was so bad that my mother would threaten me with listening to pink Floyd instead of chores! Crazy right!? Well as I grew older I actually started listening to some of this music, a song here or there. Finally I decided to delve into each band, since I liked a bit of what I had heard. The Beatles came first, due to my ginger friend who constantly praised them as if they were they best band of all time. And I liked them, I really liked them. They had uplifting lyrics and fantastic harmonies, so I went home and burned a bunch of their songs. My mother had always said how one day I would grow an appreciation for these bands and she saw this as opportunity to remind me. It was then that I vowed to never no matter what like Pink Floyd. Of course you and I know the truth and even somewhere inside my mother does to, but for purpose of keeping up with tradition in public, I will never like them. So here is a song from a band that I cannot stand that I can stand to listen to :)

Your Song by Ewan McGregor and Alessandro Safina



There really is no story to say with this song. Just listen to the song and know how amazing this boy is and how lucky I feel.

When I listen to this song, I can't stop smiling.

You Can't Always Get What You Want by The Rolling Stones



When someone asks me what is your favorite song, this one will always come to mind. I would dance and sing to this song as a kid, for hours. And as I got older the song started to mean more and more. There is something hopeful about it. Life throws us hardships, but thats no need to fret because in the end if we keep our positive outlooks, we get what we need.

When the master sees that the Warrior is depressed, he says:

"You are not what you seem to be in these moments of sadness. You are better than that.

"Many have left-for reasons we will never understand -
but you are still here. Why did God carry off all those amazing people and leave you?

"By now, millions of people will have given up. They dont get angry, they dont weep, they dont do anything; they merely wait for time to pass. They have lost the ability to react.

"You, however, are sad. That proves that your soul is still alive."