I'm confused. I really am. It won't surprise you to hear the topic of which I am confused. It's that oh so familiar topic that has come up on oh so many minds on lonely nights. Love.
I really don't even know where to begin in explaining my confusion. I think of the topic and immediately thoughts start rushing out like water from a broken dam.
It's hard for me to talk about this. Not fully understanding it. Usually I like to think on a subject for quite some time before delving into writing about it. I like to really know my viewpoint you know? It is less confusing that way. But love, ah love, it won't have it that way will it? No of course not. Love is never easy.
I want to start with the something that ignited me to write this post: Marriage, or better yet, divorce.
It really scares me to see so many marriages ending. I was raised under fairy tales and happy endings. I am a closeted romantic who despite being unsure of love has always opened her heart to it. Is it only I who finds the crumble of the sanctity of marriage far more than slightly off-putting? I mean I even had a drunken rant about this!
Seriously, though. It is as if marriage is just the next step down relationship highway, with an available exit. How is it so many people can take a vow of forever and still so many people are leaving each other? What happened to for better or worse?
Call me old-fashioned, but I want to wait till I know my love is real. I've always called myself picky, but I suppose that isn't the right word. I just want to know that when I go into something it is for more than a desire to ease my lonely nights. That something inside me, some part of my soul, feels connected to this person in an eternal way.
I guess that is why I was never prepared for a breakup. (Don't worry I will try to keep the break-up talk to a minimum. I only even bring it up because it has a lot to do with my current viewpoints of love, and this being a post about love, it seems unavoidable. )
You see when I told him I loved him, I gave him my heart, and I'm afraid it is something I will never get back. Whether he wants it our not, a piece will always remain with him. I suppose the best I can hope for is that if he loved me like he said, that a piece of his resides in me. But see here is where love gets difficult. If he did love me, why are we over? As I said before, I am in it for the long haul. I don't want to date many people. I have always known what it is that I have wanted and my past relationship only validates that I am right. I want to find a love so beautiful, the earth can only smile in sight of us. So only two conclusions can come from this scenario. Either he never loved me or love can not last. I don't know which one is worse and I have spent too many nights already crying about either option.
So you see this is where I am. Wanting to believe in love but finding it very hard to. How is it possible for someone to feel so strongly about another and the other not reciprocate feelings? and if feelings were reciprocated, how is it they can go away and change? Is it possible that all we know about love is indeed a lie. Maybe we don't have one person made for us. Maybe love can happen between any two people if the timing is right. It doesn't mean you were destined to be together, It means that we as people are one and therefore we reside in each other, and have come to find ourselves here at the same place in time.
I think I am starting to believe that true love does not exist anymore. Maybe a while ago we could see the remains of it, but today society impacts too much of how love is. We are happy with what we have until something seeming better comes along, because society tells us that better is always right. We don't have the perfect life, until we have the perfect stuff. We people have become commodities. That's it. And you can call me cynical that's fine, but I don't see my mind changing.
Too many people are influenced by the world, instead of embracing it. We shouldn't feel pressure from the world, we should feel love. In the end that's what will destroy us. That we, as people, brought an end to love.
August 3, 2011 at 10:08 PM
Prepare yourself for the comment of the century!!
We are such kindred spirits about love, marriage, & divorce that it's ridiculous. Just saying.
I never want to take those steps unless I knew I was absolutely ready and completely stable financially. I think that's what trips people up - if they are used to living only caring for themselves, having another person's burdens and not having the ability to turn off the relationship by going home or by turning off all contact.. it can probably be really shocking. You have to care for someone other than yourself and that alone goes against what society says.
I think he did love you and true, I don't have the full picture of the relationship, but still. A semblance of love always lasts, but it's constantly changing. That's why two friends can grow into love and why separations occur.
Break ups, fall outs & divorces all happen because something changes, and it's usually not something within your power to control. Sometimes it's outside forces, like stress or opinions. Can you work through the problem? Sure, but some people can't handle problems well. I don't think you lose those feelings just because you break up or you're the one doing the heart-breaking. You will always care about the person, but the intensity of caring changes sometimes.
You can't worry about if the feelings are going to change, because then you're not living in the moment. You're letting the fear of "what ifs" hold you back from fully enjoying yourself with who you have and it's not fair for either party in the relationship.
True love exists, but nobody wants it, because it's not perfect, like you said. You have to grit your teeth and bear with the bullshit. You have to fight for it, because it's never just gonna fall in your lap. If you never put in any work for the relationship, you wouldn't appreciate it, so it's like the more obstacles you face, the stronger the bond gets.
500 Days of Summer is a pretty good example of what your whole post is about. Not all love stories end in happy endings with the original couple, but the experiences gained allow you to have an even greater happiness that you can only appreciate after having fallen into a complete low <3
August 4, 2011 at 3:50 PM
I love the 500 days of summer use. Because lately I have been feeling like Tom Hansen.
Thanks for reading my post and commenting on it. I really appreciate people who take the time to put input into what they are reading.
It means a lot to me <3
I guess I'm just in that place. Like tom in the end of the movie, sitting there sure that everything he once believed is bullshit. I'm sure something will happen and change that and start the whole horrible cycle over again lmao.
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