Before you read this: Tangent Warning. There will be loose ends and things that just do not make sense to you. But hey, I'm emotional and almost never let my feelings out, so this was a great difficulty.
Sometimes I have so much to say, that well I just do not know where to begin. I suppose its partly due to my closed off nature that I never know exactly how to say certain things. It just so many thoughts come racing in and I don't know which one to let out first. I'm a frightened individual,I never want to be hurt or ever hurt someone. So I pretty much keep to myself. I try so hard not to be dependent on others and do everything I can to push others away from being dependent on me, but the truth is I need people and I want them to need me. I realized the other night that for as long as I am able to remember, I have judged my worth on other people. Which ok isn't the worst thing, being that people do ultimately bring worth to our lives, but it has gotten to a point that without people I truly can not find a reason to love myself.
And that doesn't sound right does it? I mean sure we have our insecurities and sure we have those things we would love to change about ourselves, but even still we deserve to love ourselves.
I suppose it has a lot to do with how I was raised. In all honesty, I never felt loved as a child. In fact it was quite the opposite to most of my family, excluding my mother and aunt. For some reason, I was just the forgotten child. My sister never seemed to have this problem, in fact my grandparents stole her away and treated her as their own. She never had a birthday forgotten, or was never yelled at or got her hair pulled for making a childlike mistakes. She was taken in as a member of the family. Now before you think I'm going on to tell some pity story, I assure you I am only doing this to give you a background into my psyche. Things weren't all terrible, as every life goes, with its ups there are downs. But yes as a child, I felt like love wasn't something I intended on believing in. I grew to learn that I was on my own and with that, independence from my family followed. I don't really have a family, I am detached emotionally from them. They know nothing of my life and that is how I like it.

Now onto today. As you may know, I fell in love with a wonderful, amazing, sweet boy sometime last year and as you also may know we are no longer seeing each other. I'm not going lie and say I am anything other than devastated. He brought such a light to my life and now it is completely put out. I miss him.

He is going through a hard time and can no longer be with me. To me, this means I am more of a hindrance to his growth than an asset. All I ever wanted was for him to love me as much as he said he did. So much that living with out me seemed impossible. For a while it was that way and I felt amazing. Because for the first time in my life someone truly loved me for no selfish reason. He loved me because the world willed it to be so.
So naturally when a love like that just disappears, you have to wonder why, and what went wrong. I will always blame myself. Despite everything he says, I will never truly believe it is all he is saying and it eats away at me. Because to me, it was the first time I really let go with someone. I opened up enough to let him into my heart and I trusted him not to break it. It wasn't easy, I found myself in the earlier days of us pushing myself away, thinking how could he ever love me like he says he does? But I eventually let him in and loved him, something I have never done before.
Before him, I found it hard to believe that there was indeed a thing called love. I was certain that it was just another unattainable goal society places on us, to find "happiness".
But I was wrong. I know that. And he showed me.
I guess that is why I am taking this break up so badly. When you've never had faith in something and someone comes along and shows you it is real, when they are gone its like a piece of you is torn away. They helped you find, within yourself, something powerful and sometimes we don't always have the power to awaken it ourselves.
I guess, like a turtle, I kind of went back into my shell. I had been coaxed out finally but something happened that scared me and I closed up completely. I was hurt and I started to think to myself, that It was all a lie. There is no such thing as love, he fooled me into believing so. (This caused anger stage, where Ashley yelled at him and insisted he tell her it meant nothing) But there was a problem with that, I had felt it. I had felt love and I couldn't deny that. (This caused Ashley's remorse and hopeful stage, where she asked what she could have done to change how things happened, and hoped that he would realize this is stupid and come back)But then it just hit me. He doesn't need me and as much as I wanted him to, I can not change that. I needed him. Because for the first time in my love I was experiencing love and honestly, I am terrified to let that go. But I can not be scared of losing love. I can not be dependent upon him to open its door. The truth is I need to learn to love myself.

So,I love you. and though right now it may seem that I will never love another person but you, I need to let go. I can't fight for us any longer because of my dependence.
I need to just appreciate the fact that you showed me that love exists. Just because I love you doesn't mean we belong together. You gave me what I needed, and perhaps that was all your duty to me. So I will forget those promises, and forget those hopes, but always remember what you taught me. You were my first true love and I will never forget you.

As for loving myself, I think realizing that maybe all we've gone through together was something that I had no control over, I can neglect blaming myself for just this once. Lingering on thoughts will just prevent me from doing so.

I am a wonderful person, who sees so much beauty in the world, I need to learn to see it in myself.

I have wonderful friends who care about me, and if I am able to have them, then I have done something right.

I am not a worthless person. And one day I will believe it and it won't be because a person is telling me so.