Go to Portland (An update on my annual goals)
So I did it. Not only was it the scariest, most exhilarating thing I have ever done before, but it was also the greatest. This was the best week of my entire life
Matthew was incredible, as was spending all my twenty-four hours a day with him. The feeling of seeing him for the first time as I walked towards the baggage claim was a feeling unlike any other I have ever experienced. You know those moments that we capture in our heads like a moving picture, this was one of them. Every detail from his Flash tee to the smile on his face, the warmth of his touch, the sweetness and sincerity when he asked permission to kiss me and the roses in his hands are moments I will never forget. Hearing the words "I see you" and knowing that this was the make or break moment followed with an instant feeling that all my worries were meaningless. We had done it. Our love had transitioned from the internet to life. This was real.
The whole rest of the week is a mixture between meeting members of Matthew's quite large family and those intimate moments between him and I. Amazingly enough, despite all the incredible places Matthew took me and all the amazing experiences we shared, my favorite activities were the ones where we usually stayed at home. Cooking enchiladas with him and doing the dishes was more than that. It was stollen kisses and glimpses into our future together. It was real and genuine to the relationship we have. I found myself imagining us, in a house of our own, thinking that if all our days were like this one, then this is the kind of love I have been waiting for. And every day was as perfect as the last with him.
This trip was an eye opener that's for sure. I learned that sometimes the scariest things for us can be the greatest. That nerves come along with everything great and when we are courageous we are rewarded. Sure you might fall down if you try, but you can always get back up so that is no excuse to not go out and go for your dreams.
What is your best lesson from your worst experience?
Ok so I told you I would get back to you today :) Sorry it took so long!
My best lesson from my worst experience would have to be what I learned from my older sister's drug addiction.You see my sister and I have never been close. I really wouldn't even say we are family except for genetics. We barely talk and I let her in on very little of my life. She had been in rehab and they asked her to speak about someone inspiring and she chose me. She spoke of how she is really proud of me for not needing anything but myself to be happy and about not giving into something I didn't want to do. She talked about how she really did love me and that she was jealous of how my life had been and that I hadn't let her have a part in it. I guess I was just surprised to discover I had meant so much to her.
It really opened my eyes. People never really know how much they mean to you. You have to tell the ones who mean something to your life. Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself, because if they are special enough to have you care about them, then it is worth it to let them know. No person has ever been offended by being loved. So spread as much love as you can and don't be afraid to show it.
I'd like to say that my sister and I became close after this. That somehow we put the 20 years of everything behind us and could really start having a true sisterly bond. But unfortunately, time waits for no one.
It is wise to remember that.
My best lesson from my worst experience would have to be what I learned from my older sister's drug addiction.You see my sister and I have never been close. I really wouldn't even say we are family except for genetics. We barely talk and I let her in on very little of my life. She had been in rehab and they asked her to speak about someone inspiring and she chose me. She spoke of how she is really proud of me for not needing anything but myself to be happy and about not giving into something I didn't want to do. She talked about how she really did love me and that she was jealous of how my life had been and that I hadn't let her have a part in it. I guess I was just surprised to discover I had meant so much to her.
It really opened my eyes. People never really know how much they mean to you. You have to tell the ones who mean something to your life. Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself, because if they are special enough to have you care about them, then it is worth it to let them know. No person has ever been offended by being loved. So spread as much love as you can and don't be afraid to show it.
I'd like to say that my sister and I became close after this. That somehow we put the 20 years of everything behind us and could really start having a true sisterly bond. But unfortunately, time waits for no one.
It is wise to remember that.
The Cab Ride I’ll Never Forget
So I came across this story while browsing the internet and it really struck a chord with me.
"Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.
It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss.
What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry.
Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, and made me laugh and weep.
But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partyers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.
When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.
Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.
But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation.
Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.
So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80′s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knick-knacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.
“It’s nothing”, I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”
“Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”
“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.
“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”
I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.
“I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”
I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.
“Nothing,” I said.
“You have to make a living,” she answered.
“There are other passengers”.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”
I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."
By Kent Nerburn
Adapted from “Make me an Instrument of Your Peace”
You can find the website here and the book here.
"Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.
It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss.
What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry.
Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, and made me laugh and weep.
But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partyers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.
When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.
Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.
But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation.
Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.
So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80′s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knick-knacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.
“It’s nothing”, I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”
“Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”
“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.
“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”
I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.
“I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”
I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.
“Nothing,” I said.
“You have to make a living,” she answered.
“There are other passengers”.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”
I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."
By Kent Nerburn
Adapted from “Make me an Instrument of Your Peace”
You can find the website here and the book here.
Good and Evil
He pointed to a print hanging on the wall:
"Do you know what it is? It's one of the most famous paintings in the world: The Last Supper, painted by Leonardo da Vinci."
"It can't be as famous as all that," said the hotel landlady.
"It was very cheap."
"That's only a reproduction: the original is in a church a long, long way from here. But there's a story about this picture you might like to hear."
...
"When he was creating this picture, Leonardo da Vinci encountered a serious problem: he had to depict Good -in the person of Jesus-and Evil-in the figure of Judas, the friend who resolves to betray him during the meal. He stopped work on the painting until he could find his ideal models.
"One day, when listening to a chior, he saw in one of the boys the perfect image of Christ. He invited him to his studio and made sketches and studies of his face.
"Three years went by. The Last Supper was almost complete, but Leonardo had still not found the perfect model for Judas. The cardinal responsible for the church started to put pressure on him to finish the mural.
"After many days spent vainly searching, the artist came across a prematurely aged youth, in rags and lying drunk in the gutter. With some difficulty, he persuaded his assistants to bring the fellow directly to the church. since there was no time left to make preliminary sketches.
"The beggar was taken there, not quite understanding what was going on. He was propped up by Leonardo's assistants, while Leonardo copied the lines of impiety, sin and egotism so clearly etched on his features.
"When he had finished, the beggar, he had sobered up slightly, opened his eyes and saw the picture before him. With a mixture of horror and sadness he said:
" 'I've seen that picture before!'
" 'When?' asked the astonished Leonardo.
" 'Three years ago, before I lost everything I had, at a time when I used to sing in a chior and my life was full of dreams. The artist asked me to pose as the model for the face of Jesus.' "
There was a long pause. The stranger was looking at the priest, who was drinking his beer, but Chantal knew his words were directed at her.
"So you see, Good and Evil have the same face; it all depends on when they cross the path of each individual human being. "
"Do you know what it is? It's one of the most famous paintings in the world: The Last Supper, painted by Leonardo da Vinci."
"It can't be as famous as all that," said the hotel landlady.
"It was very cheap."
"That's only a reproduction: the original is in a church a long, long way from here. But there's a story about this picture you might like to hear."
...
"When he was creating this picture, Leonardo da Vinci encountered a serious problem: he had to depict Good -in the person of Jesus-and Evil-in the figure of Judas, the friend who resolves to betray him during the meal. He stopped work on the painting until he could find his ideal models.
"One day, when listening to a chior, he saw in one of the boys the perfect image of Christ. He invited him to his studio and made sketches and studies of his face.
"Three years went by. The Last Supper was almost complete, but Leonardo had still not found the perfect model for Judas. The cardinal responsible for the church started to put pressure on him to finish the mural.
"After many days spent vainly searching, the artist came across a prematurely aged youth, in rags and lying drunk in the gutter. With some difficulty, he persuaded his assistants to bring the fellow directly to the church. since there was no time left to make preliminary sketches.
"The beggar was taken there, not quite understanding what was going on. He was propped up by Leonardo's assistants, while Leonardo copied the lines of impiety, sin and egotism so clearly etched on his features.
"When he had finished, the beggar, he had sobered up slightly, opened his eyes and saw the picture before him. With a mixture of horror and sadness he said:
" 'I've seen that picture before!'
" 'When?' asked the astonished Leonardo.
" 'Three years ago, before I lost everything I had, at a time when I used to sing in a chior and my life was full of dreams. The artist asked me to pose as the model for the face of Jesus.' "
There was a long pause. The stranger was looking at the priest, who was drinking his beer, but Chantal knew his words were directed at her.
"So you see, Good and Evil have the same face; it all depends on when they cross the path of each individual human being. "
Love and alchemy.
“…It was the pure language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe need none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only women in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world …And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one’s dreams would have on meaning. Maktub, thought the boy.” Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Happy 4 months <3
Happy 4 months <3
A beauty of the world
There are many beautiful things in this world. Each day we are blessed with the natural wonders of the earth: the stars, the clouds, the nature which surrounds us and makes our earth so glorious. These are the beauties we can see and love daily, but how often do we think about the other beauty in our lives. It is approximated that worldwide, 10.8 million people get diagnosed with cancer a year. Of that 10.8 million, it is estimated that 6.8 die from it. I don't know about you but to me that screams that 4 million a year are cured. Well this past month I had the honor up close to witness their strength first hand.
It was my first time participating in Relay for Life, but let me tell you it will not be my last. I've always had a desire to help anyone and every thing with every step I could, I totally want to save the world.(And I think with a little push, a little love and some undying hope, I can.) But never before have I really seen as much inspiration as in this group of people, because you see, this group of people were survivors. Just a simple act of walking around a track brought tears to my eyes. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
These people had fought hard, possibly against the hardest means, and there they stood in front of me, proud to be alive. We are rarely blessed to see such a thirst and thankfulness for life in this world.
It was just glorious to see a group of people who fought so hard, standing up showing they didn't give up and they will not give up. If that is not inspirational, I do not know what is.
It was my first time participating in Relay for Life, but let me tell you it will not be my last. I've always had a desire to help anyone and every thing with every step I could, I totally want to save the world.(And I think with a little push, a little love and some undying hope, I can.) But never before have I really seen as much inspiration as in this group of people, because you see, this group of people were survivors. Just a simple act of walking around a track brought tears to my eyes. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
These people had fought hard, possibly against the hardest means, and there they stood in front of me, proud to be alive. We are rarely blessed to see such a thirst and thankfulness for life in this world.
It was just glorious to see a group of people who fought so hard, standing up showing they didn't give up and they will not give up. If that is not inspirational, I do not know what is.
What are your three lucky charms?
A lucky charm, what even is one? I'm not so sure if I even believe in luck, and if I do I definitely do not think it comes from some outer element but rather inside us. But,I suppose there are things that hold a power in us though.
For example, My stuffed wolf Shelby. I sleep with him every night and the nights I hold him close are the nights I feel most content. When I was sick I clung to him dearly, and even brought him to the hospital with me. It was a way for Shelby to be with me, even if he couldn't physically. It's a build-a-bear wolf so on the inside is a heart with a wish for me and him. His birth date on his birth certificate is December 25th, 2010. The official beginning of us. The wolf is Shelby's animal. He is my alpha. And as I hold this wolf now, and kiss him, and hug him, I know Shelby can feel it.
Another lucky, albeit odd, charm would be my laptop. I know it sounds like Im addicted to the internet, which I am, but that is not the point of its importance. On the day I bought my laptop, My best friend Jess was doing the same. Jess and I had gone to both middle and high school together, but were never really friends. I was so excited to get my new laptop, it was the first time a computer was really mine! I remembering ripping it out of the box and setting it up to AIM with my best friend at the time. I signed onto facebook and was so excited to chat with people on there with MY keyboard! Then Ski messaged me telling me he had just gotten skype and how I need to get it! Me, being excited to have the ability to download whatever I wanted without my mother's consent was completely for it. So I downloaded skype. Now I don't really know how Jess and I got to exchanging names, but Justin had told her to download it too, and somehow we ended up talking. I told her about my new computer and she told me about hers and then we realized that WE BOTH HAD THE SAME ONE! What a crazy random happenstance right? Two separate people buying the same computers on the same day! Crazy. Well Jess and I ended up skyping almost every night, occasionally throwing Chez or Doyle in the mix and it was so fun. When she came to town to deal with things going on home, we hung out every day for hours and I mean every day. We became such close friends, almost inseparable all because we both had gotten new computers!
But that is not where the computer magic stops, not even close. It was through my computer that I first began to talk to my then sexual play toy. It was through the computer that I would talk to tyler each day on twitter bonding or go on dailybooth meeting awesome new friends. But most of all It was through my computer, that a sweet girl stumbled into a sweet guy, and sparks flew. Yes, I know its strange to say but without my computer, I really don't know how similar my life would be to the one I am living now.
As for my final lucky charm well, I really don't know. I guess it's really a culmination of all my memories. Behind every experience is a lesson and I make sure to take mine with me wherever I go. No luck can ever live up to a girl who has lived. Life is my luckiest charm, so I'm gonna live mine to the fullest! :D
For example, My stuffed wolf Shelby. I sleep with him every night and the nights I hold him close are the nights I feel most content. When I was sick I clung to him dearly, and even brought him to the hospital with me. It was a way for Shelby to be with me, even if he couldn't physically. It's a build-a-bear wolf so on the inside is a heart with a wish for me and him. His birth date on his birth certificate is December 25th, 2010. The official beginning of us. The wolf is Shelby's animal. He is my alpha. And as I hold this wolf now, and kiss him, and hug him, I know Shelby can feel it.
Another lucky, albeit odd, charm would be my laptop. I know it sounds like Im addicted to the internet, which I am, but that is not the point of its importance. On the day I bought my laptop, My best friend Jess was doing the same. Jess and I had gone to both middle and high school together, but were never really friends. I was so excited to get my new laptop, it was the first time a computer was really mine! I remembering ripping it out of the box and setting it up to AIM with my best friend at the time. I signed onto facebook and was so excited to chat with people on there with MY keyboard! Then Ski messaged me telling me he had just gotten skype and how I need to get it! Me, being excited to have the ability to download whatever I wanted without my mother's consent was completely for it. So I downloaded skype. Now I don't really know how Jess and I got to exchanging names, but Justin had told her to download it too, and somehow we ended up talking. I told her about my new computer and she told me about hers and then we realized that WE BOTH HAD THE SAME ONE! What a crazy random happenstance right? Two separate people buying the same computers on the same day! Crazy. Well Jess and I ended up skyping almost every night, occasionally throwing Chez or Doyle in the mix and it was so fun. When she came to town to deal with things going on home, we hung out every day for hours and I mean every day. We became such close friends, almost inseparable all because we both had gotten new computers!
But that is not where the computer magic stops, not even close. It was through my computer that I first began to talk to my then sexual play toy. It was through the computer that I would talk to tyler each day on twitter bonding or go on dailybooth meeting awesome new friends. But most of all It was through my computer, that a sweet girl stumbled into a sweet guy, and sparks flew. Yes, I know its strange to say but without my computer, I really don't know how similar my life would be to the one I am living now.
As for my final lucky charm well, I really don't know. I guess it's really a culmination of all my memories. Behind every experience is a lesson and I make sure to take mine with me wherever I go. No luck can ever live up to a girl who has lived. Life is my luckiest charm, so I'm gonna live mine to the fullest! :D
My strength.
There is this strength you give me, and I know I don't say it enough. But truly, the joy you have brought to my life, well, it is unmeasurable. Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I could look my friend in the eye and tell her I was happy, and mean it. It's like that Paulo Coelho quote, “Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.” Only so much more was found than love. You brought me understanding and knowledge of things about me I didn't even know existed. You opened my whole world. I am happy with me because of you. You give me the strength to accept myself and my downfalls. You will never truly know how much you have lit up my life in this past 5 months. I didn't know it was possible to have a true love, but you are mine. Because to me a true love can come from many people, a friend, a family member, and significant other. What makes someone a true love is their ability to shake you to the core and make you want to be a better person, not for them though, for you. You inspire me on a daily basis and darling, never forget that.
What is one thing you would want to say to one person before you died?
"Not gone."
As I shared with you in my final song challenge post, I love the sentiments of the song "Those you've known". All I really want those who cared for me on earth to know, is that I will always be with them. Our lives never end on earth, even in death, because the people whose souls we've touched carry that with them, spreading it to others. We are all one in the end. One with each other, one with the earth, one with the stars. As long as their is one soul, no one is truly gone.
As I shared with you in my final song challenge post, I love the sentiments of the song "Those you've known". All I really want those who cared for me on earth to know, is that I will always be with them. Our lives never end on earth, even in death, because the people whose souls we've touched carry that with them, spreading it to others. We are all one in the end. One with each other, one with the earth, one with the stars. As long as their is one soul, no one is truly gone.
A fifth excerpt from The Warrior of Light
The Warrior of the Light is a believer.
Because he believes in miracles, miracles begin to happen. Because he is sure that his thoughts can change his life, his life begins to change. Because he is certain that he will find love, love appears.
Now and then, he is disappointed. Sometimes, he gets hurt.
Then he hears people say: "He's so ingenuous!"
But the Warrior knows that it is worth it. For every defeat, he has two victories in his favor.
All believers know this.
Because he believes in miracles, miracles begin to happen. Because he is sure that his thoughts can change his life, his life begins to change. Because he is certain that he will find love, love appears.
Now and then, he is disappointed. Sometimes, he gets hurt.
Then he hears people say: "He's so ingenuous!"
But the Warrior knows that it is worth it. For every defeat, he has two victories in his favor.
All believers know this.
A fourth excerpt from The Warrior of Light
When the master sees that the Warrior is depressed, he says:
"You are not what you seem to be in these moments of sadness. You are better than that.
"Many have left-for reasons we will never understand -
but you are still here. Why did God carry off all those amazing people and leave you?
"By now, millions of people will have given up. They dont get angry, they dont weep, they dont do anything; they merely wait for time to pass. They have lost the ability to react.
"You, however, are sad. That proves that your soul is still alive."
"You are not what you seem to be in these moments of sadness. You are better than that.
"Many have left-for reasons we will never understand -
but you are still here. Why did God carry off all those amazing people and leave you?
"By now, millions of people will have given up. They dont get angry, they dont weep, they dont do anything; they merely wait for time to pass. They have lost the ability to react.
"You, however, are sad. That proves that your soul is still alive."
A third excerpt from The Warrior of Light
There is a such thing as emotional rubbish; it is produced in the factories of the mind. It consists of pain that has long passed and is no longer useful. It consists of precautions that were important to the past, but that serve no purpose in the present.
The Warrior has memories too, but he learns how to separate the useful from the unnecessary; he disposes of his emotional rubbish.
A companion says: "But that's part of my history. Why should i jettison feelings that marked my very existence?"
The Warrior smiles, but he does not try to feel things that he no longer feels. He is changing and he wants his feeling to keep pace with him.
The Warrior has memories too, but he learns how to separate the useful from the unnecessary; he disposes of his emotional rubbish.
A companion says: "But that's part of my history. Why should i jettison feelings that marked my very existence?"
The Warrior smiles, but he does not try to feel things that he no longer feels. He is changing and he wants his feeling to keep pace with him.
A song that has made you cry
Vienna by Billy Joel
Now their are two very distinct reasons as to why this song made me cry, although I suppose the two are somewhat linked.
My junior year of high school I went on a retreat and on this retreat there were speeches made by each of our leaders on different topics and each had a corresponding song.
I was very reluctant to go on this retreat. For one it was 3 days long, and spending time with some schoolmates I hardly found favorable, besides one close friend who would actually be a retreat-ant and not a leader, didn't seem like my idea of a good time. But still I was begged and hassled to go. It wasn't until my friend Stes came to me that I really listened and decided to take a chance. She was going to be a leader on it. Stes had always been a friend I admired greatly. She was down to earth and always knew exactly who she was and didn't let any one else dictate it.
Well by the middle of day 2, I was so thankful to have gone on this retreat. I was learning so much about other people and myself. It was a really great experience to just step back from the pressures of school and peers and parents and sit in this beautiful setting, growing to understand how much we all have to go through. We were broken up into groups and told to walk paths together discussing the most fantastical, philosophical things. We were split into pair and told to sit out in nature and just learn more about each other. But the most important part of the retreat, besides the surprise, was the speeches each of our leaders. Some leaders were better than others, there is a truth to that, but the best speech was that of my friend and inspiration Stes. Her topic was on living in the moment and how focusing on all the small trivial details of your life keeps you from helping others, by hindering yourself. Basically, that we all have things that distract us from living in the present, but those distractions only lead us to pain. So Stes began her speech and she told us of her worries and her hardships and the toll they had on her. She told us how she was distracted, by the past and the things which had happened, and by her future, afraid of what might be there. And I wont go into details, but there was not a single person who wasn't in tears by the end of her speech.
I just remember being so surprised.
But then she told us of how she went on this retreat when she was a junior and how it really opened her eyes and the letter she had gotten from her estranged father. She grew to realize that living in the past will only do her harm, because she has already taken all she could from it.
And she started playing her song. No surprise to you it was this song. I will just always remember the look she had on her face while we all listened to this song. It was one of complete happiness, the most sincere, heartfelt, subtle smile. It wasn't that her body was smiling. It was her soul.
Now the second part, that makes this song so meaningful to me is somewhat silly. You see, I'm not the the sort of person who really lets people in, so I really never had any one to talk to. I'm have my strong beliefs in who I am and the type of person I want to be, but even a warrior of light has he moments of mistakes. I can often be very doubtful, of myself, of my future, of, well everything about me. And it was a time in my life where I was beginning to feel so much pressure. Pressure to be perfect, to succeed in my life in the way that everyone expected me to. And I listened to this song, remembering and having it favorited from Stes's speech, and well I felt as if it was being sung to me. That someone was there to tell me that everything will be okay. and I cried. I cried for at that moment what I needed was a little faith in myself, but hey leave it to Billy Joel to keep the faith ;) (cwutididthar?)
So yes this song will always hold a special place in my heart, because I know that whenever I need a little faith, I just have to listen to this and look into myself.
Now their are two very distinct reasons as to why this song made me cry, although I suppose the two are somewhat linked.
My junior year of high school I went on a retreat and on this retreat there were speeches made by each of our leaders on different topics and each had a corresponding song.
I was very reluctant to go on this retreat. For one it was 3 days long, and spending time with some schoolmates I hardly found favorable, besides one close friend who would actually be a retreat-ant and not a leader, didn't seem like my idea of a good time. But still I was begged and hassled to go. It wasn't until my friend Stes came to me that I really listened and decided to take a chance. She was going to be a leader on it. Stes had always been a friend I admired greatly. She was down to earth and always knew exactly who she was and didn't let any one else dictate it.
Well by the middle of day 2, I was so thankful to have gone on this retreat. I was learning so much about other people and myself. It was a really great experience to just step back from the pressures of school and peers and parents and sit in this beautiful setting, growing to understand how much we all have to go through. We were broken up into groups and told to walk paths together discussing the most fantastical, philosophical things. We were split into pair and told to sit out in nature and just learn more about each other. But the most important part of the retreat, besides the surprise, was the speeches each of our leaders. Some leaders were better than others, there is a truth to that, but the best speech was that of my friend and inspiration Stes. Her topic was on living in the moment and how focusing on all the small trivial details of your life keeps you from helping others, by hindering yourself. Basically, that we all have things that distract us from living in the present, but those distractions only lead us to pain. So Stes began her speech and she told us of her worries and her hardships and the toll they had on her. She told us how she was distracted, by the past and the things which had happened, and by her future, afraid of what might be there. And I wont go into details, but there was not a single person who wasn't in tears by the end of her speech.
I just remember being so surprised.
But then she told us of how she went on this retreat when she was a junior and how it really opened her eyes and the letter she had gotten from her estranged father. She grew to realize that living in the past will only do her harm, because she has already taken all she could from it.
And she started playing her song. No surprise to you it was this song. I will just always remember the look she had on her face while we all listened to this song. It was one of complete happiness, the most sincere, heartfelt, subtle smile. It wasn't that her body was smiling. It was her soul.
Now the second part, that makes this song so meaningful to me is somewhat silly. You see, I'm not the the sort of person who really lets people in, so I really never had any one to talk to. I'm have my strong beliefs in who I am and the type of person I want to be, but even a warrior of light has he moments of mistakes. I can often be very doubtful, of myself, of my future, of, well everything about me. And it was a time in my life where I was beginning to feel so much pressure. Pressure to be perfect, to succeed in my life in the way that everyone expected me to. And I listened to this song, remembering and having it favorited from Stes's speech, and well I felt as if it was being sung to me. That someone was there to tell me that everything will be okay. and I cried. I cried for at that moment what I needed was a little faith in myself, but hey leave it to Billy Joel to keep the faith ;) (cwutididthar?)
So yes this song will always hold a special place in my heart, because I know that whenever I need a little faith, I just have to listen to this and look into myself.
The shell whispered to the ash tree....
"You are my wind that pushes me forward. The river that flows with me granting me courage, the air I breathe that keeps me living. My interconnected soul that keeps me being me, You are my everything, my life, my love."
A second excerpt from The Warrior of Light
"The Warrior of Light has learned that God uses solitude to teach us how to live with other people.
He uses rage to show us the infinite value of peace. He uses boredom to underline the importance of adventure and spontaneity.
God uses silence to teach us to use words responsibly. He uses tiredness so that we can understand the value of waking up. He uses illness to underline the blessing of good health.
God uses fire to teach us about water. He uses earth to explain the value of air. He uses death to show us the importance of life."
He uses rage to show us the infinite value of peace. He uses boredom to underline the importance of adventure and spontaneity.
God uses silence to teach us to use words responsibly. He uses tiredness so that we can understand the value of waking up. He uses illness to underline the blessing of good health.
God uses fire to teach us about water. He uses earth to explain the value of air. He uses death to show us the importance of life."
An excerpt from Paulo Coelho's Warrior of light
"The Warrior of Light sometimes behaves like water, flowing around the obstacles he encounters.
Occasionally, resistance might mean destruction, and so he adjusts to the circumstances. He accepts,without complaint, that the stones in his path hinder his way through the mountains.
Therein lies the strength of water: It cannot be touched by a hammer or ripped to shreds by a knife. The strongest sword in the world cannot scar its surface.
The river adapts itself to whatever route proves possible, but the river never forgets its one objective: the sea. So fragile at its source, it gradually gathers the strength of the other rivers it encounters.
And after a certain point, its power is absolute."
Occasionally, resistance might mean destruction, and so he adjusts to the circumstances. He accepts,without complaint, that the stones in his path hinder his way through the mountains.
Therein lies the strength of water: It cannot be touched by a hammer or ripped to shreds by a knife. The strongest sword in the world cannot scar its surface.
The river adapts itself to whatever route proves possible, but the river never forgets its one objective: the sea. So fragile at its source, it gradually gathers the strength of the other rivers it encounters.
And after a certain point, its power is absolute."
The Art of Racing In the Rain by Garth Stein
A story of human life from the perspective of one of its most humble creatures. Enzo is a special dog, who dreams of the day when his soul will become human. His owner Denny is a master racer. This is a delightful tale about how to live life to the fullest. We learn about the struggles one family goes through and how his determination helps him achieves his dreams.
The metaphor of a race as life and the presence of driving, alone is beautiful. Never did I think I could learn so much from cars. But in actuality, life is indeed a race. It is about making it around those corners and knowing that everything is a result of your actions. It is about knowing that there is no shame in losing a race but shame in not racing because of your fears.
The story can be pretty heavy at times. The struggle one man and one dog go through to retain their rights and pursue their goals is nothing short of intense, but definitely worthwhile for those of us who know that two souls meant for each other will never truly be separated.
I found myself struck by some of the beautiful lessons Enzo had to teach me about myself and about life. About how fear can get in the way of our greatest journeys. About how we are our own worst enemies, we are our own inner demons. And how the race in front of us has been made by ourselves and if we have any struggles to get back on the track its do to our own actions, the only thing stopping us from getting back on is ourselves.
Yes Enzo is a wise little dog, we can learn a lot from our canine companions...if only we are open to listen.
Give into love or live in fear.
I have been singing since before I could talk. Singing, well music in general has always been sort of my higher power. When I sing, its like the greatest feeling in life I can ever hope to experience. I think its love. I love music. In our 20 year relationship,I have finally come to the conclusion that am 100%, totally head over heels in love with music. Music has always been there for me whenever I needed a friend. Music has never once made me cry for the worse. And music has a way of knowing exactly how I feel, even when I haven't said a word. Sure music can make me sad some times,we remember things we dont want to and are reminded of people long gone in our lives, but its out of a greater good. Music has one and only purpose, to heal. Its this complete and utter selflessness that lets me know that music loves me back.
This got me thinking about love. So often to we hear the word, but do not understand it. Its a beauty of love that it can only be defined by he who is experiencing it.
We toss around the word so often when really, what does it entail?
So I tumblr tagged searched "love" (hipster jokes aside please) Among a huge array of photos of happy couples or stories of heartbreak, pictures of hearts, I found this.
Now its highly possible that the person uploading it didn't mean to for the reasons I find this story to be completely about love, its highly possible they simply loved the book, but either way it got me thinking.
When I was younger I loved the giving tree. But this was mainly because I loved the illustrations, how my mom read it to me and the fact the the cover was a bright green. I liked green. Apart from that I really just thought it was about this jerk of a boy taking advantage of a sucker of a tree. Its funny how love can be mistaken for loathing. Leave it to me to be the 5 year old with cynicism.
But now, as I have grown wiser in my years and my understanding of emotions, I see it for what it is. It is a story about love.
Love isn't about being affectionate, it isn't about always being happy. So often we are brainwashed to think that love is a happily ever after. That if its right there should never be any pain, but thats wrong. Love is about fully giving yourself to another person, without the need for anything in return. Its about having faith that no matter what a person will always return to you. Its about a joy from giving, not an obligation. And most of all its about you being happy in sharing yourself with another person. Any person can often be giving, but to enjoy giving, never expecting anything in return: no possessions, no special treatment, no karma points; to truly gain happiness from being completely selfless is a true demonstration of love.
I found this to be somewhat of an epiphany and wont deny that in re-reading The Giving Tree, found myself in tears. I'm not one to easily give myself over to another, I am constantly worried that a person will hurt me. But love isn't about worry. It isn't about fear. Its about having your love be so much stronger than those emotions. Its about being happy and having faith in your love, giving as much as you as you can, eventually all of you, in the hopes that maybe your love will be returned. One heart in exchange for another.
The other day I talked about how I had found the perfect song I wanted to write about, but ended up not choosing it. It was Finale B from rent. This has always been my favorite song from the musical. The harmonies are divine, the lyrics are sincere. Normally, its the line "No Day, but today" that mean the most to me. I am a true advocate of living your life in the present, taking each day as a gift. But yesterday that wasnt the message I was hearing. "Give into love or live in fear." For years I have been singing this song, listening to this song, worshiping this song, but only now did I really hear it. You cant have both fear and love. Dont worry I'm not going all Jim Cunningham on you (if you dont get that reference you better watch Donnie Darko tonight) There is an entire emotional spectrum, but it is true that fear is what ultimately stops us from love, from anything really. We cant have love if we are constantly scared of being hurt or taken advantage of. We need to open our hearts, fully give all inside and risk something for once. Giving up your fear, worry, doubts, letting a person in, truly finding a meaning for you in them, these are what define love.
This got me thinking about love. So often to we hear the word, but do not understand it. Its a beauty of love that it can only be defined by he who is experiencing it.
We toss around the word so often when really, what does it entail?
So I tumblr tagged searched "love" (hipster jokes aside please) Among a huge array of photos of happy couples or stories of heartbreak, pictures of hearts, I found this.
Now its highly possible that the person uploading it didn't mean to for the reasons I find this story to be completely about love, its highly possible they simply loved the book, but either way it got me thinking.
When I was younger I loved the giving tree. But this was mainly because I loved the illustrations, how my mom read it to me and the fact the the cover was a bright green. I liked green. Apart from that I really just thought it was about this jerk of a boy taking advantage of a sucker of a tree. Its funny how love can be mistaken for loathing. Leave it to me to be the 5 year old with cynicism.
But now, as I have grown wiser in my years and my understanding of emotions, I see it for what it is. It is a story about love.
Love isn't about being affectionate, it isn't about always being happy. So often we are brainwashed to think that love is a happily ever after. That if its right there should never be any pain, but thats wrong. Love is about fully giving yourself to another person, without the need for anything in return. Its about having faith that no matter what a person will always return to you. Its about a joy from giving, not an obligation. And most of all its about you being happy in sharing yourself with another person. Any person can often be giving, but to enjoy giving, never expecting anything in return: no possessions, no special treatment, no karma points; to truly gain happiness from being completely selfless is a true demonstration of love.
I found this to be somewhat of an epiphany and wont deny that in re-reading The Giving Tree, found myself in tears. I'm not one to easily give myself over to another, I am constantly worried that a person will hurt me. But love isn't about worry. It isn't about fear. Its about having your love be so much stronger than those emotions. Its about being happy and having faith in your love, giving as much as you as you can, eventually all of you, in the hopes that maybe your love will be returned. One heart in exchange for another.
The other day I talked about how I had found the perfect song I wanted to write about, but ended up not choosing it. It was Finale B from rent. This has always been my favorite song from the musical. The harmonies are divine, the lyrics are sincere. Normally, its the line "No Day, but today" that mean the most to me. I am a true advocate of living your life in the present, taking each day as a gift. But yesterday that wasnt the message I was hearing. "Give into love or live in fear." For years I have been singing this song, listening to this song, worshiping this song, but only now did I really hear it. You cant have both fear and love. Dont worry I'm not going all Jim Cunningham on you (if you dont get that reference you better watch Donnie Darko tonight) There is an entire emotional spectrum, but it is true that fear is what ultimately stops us from love, from anything really. We cant have love if we are constantly scared of being hurt or taken advantage of. We need to open our hearts, fully give all inside and risk something for once. Giving up your fear, worry, doubts, letting a person in, truly finding a meaning for you in them, these are what define love.
Blue wind.
Tomorrow is the first day of spring. For me, and most others Im sure, spring marks the beginning of the new day and new life. Nature starts to come alive after its long winter break and we start to see color in the world again. But I just dont feel that anymore. I just find it harder each year as I get older and more and more terrible things happen, to feel that hope that spring once provided.
Now before you mark me as some cynic who believes hope is dead, let me assure you I dont. I do believe there is some place for hope in this world, it only seems to be getting buried by the hundreds of travesties we witness each day.
It seems that those of us who are really trying, are only band-aids to the problems and not the cures. And its not our fault. Each day we get closer to a cure, an entire new devastation occurs. It just seems like this ongoing cycle of suffering and healing and more suffering and more healing.
What hurts me most are the problems we could heal so easily, if we only could stop being so negative or judgmental or *insert vice here*. How can we be mad at natural disasters when we set no example for our earth? A natural disaster is earth's response to us causing unnecessary pain and suffering to each other each day. Think how horrible it must be to see the people whom your soul purpose revolves around, the people you provide for, care for, exist for, slowly destroy each other and you, and for what?
Its true I am very thankful for the wisdom that has come with my age, but I have to say ignorance is truly bliss. I would be lying to say I didnt miss the days when laying in the grass on the first spring day, feeling the first spring wind against my body,or seeing my first spring flower finally in bloom, was enough to show me hope.
Maybe one day that innocence of spring will return to me once more.
Now before you mark me as some cynic who believes hope is dead, let me assure you I dont. I do believe there is some place for hope in this world, it only seems to be getting buried by the hundreds of travesties we witness each day.
It seems that those of us who are really trying, are only band-aids to the problems and not the cures. And its not our fault. Each day we get closer to a cure, an entire new devastation occurs. It just seems like this ongoing cycle of suffering and healing and more suffering and more healing.
What hurts me most are the problems we could heal so easily, if we only could stop being so negative or judgmental or *insert vice here*. How can we be mad at natural disasters when we set no example for our earth? A natural disaster is earth's response to us causing unnecessary pain and suffering to each other each day. Think how horrible it must be to see the people whom your soul purpose revolves around, the people you provide for, care for, exist for, slowly destroy each other and you, and for what?
Its true I am very thankful for the wisdom that has come with my age, but I have to say ignorance is truly bliss. I would be lying to say I didnt miss the days when laying in the grass on the first spring day, feeling the first spring wind against my body,or seeing my first spring flower finally in bloom, was enough to show me hope.
Maybe one day that innocence of spring will return to me once more.
