I like to think back and classify myself in different phases of my life. There is Baby Ashley, High School Ashley, Rebellious Ashley, Completely Understanding the world hopeless romantic Ashley, Actually I know nothing Ashley, and well me, I suppose (Current Ashley).
I feel like an artist, able to describe my phases of work. "Oh yes, Jessica, I remember! That was during my blue period". I've gone through all these periods and it is easy to see it reflected in my artwork that is my life.
In each of these periods I was always so certain that this was how I was going to be for the rest of my life. So certain that I knew all there was to know about me. I guess I also assumed that by my 20's I would be an adult and change would be over. And I would be stuck as I was. But I am pleased to see that just really is not the case in either scenario.
I have never been so lost before in life as I am now. And I'm not sorry to say, I LOVE IT! I love thinking everything I do could be a terrible mistake. I love not being sure and wondering and having doubts. It is, despite what I had imagined, exhilarating.
You see the thing about knowing you are doing something safe is, well, like completing a paint by numbers. Nothing you haven't seen before and while the end result is beautiful, you haven't really created anything special, have you? The scary decisions I have made in the past two years have lead me to some of the greatest experiences of my life. I learned more about myself in those moments than I ever could have imagined. My heart was opened to inner desires I wasn't even aware I had, along with inner strength.
It is this inner strength which moves me into my next phase. The phase of embracing responsibility of my dreams and finally wanting to be an adult. For so long I clutched to the things I knew. Always fearing a change, my life was on pause. I didn't know who I was. I was scared to make a decisions, wondering how I could ever possibly do so without knowing me. I suppose part of me was right. In the smallest use of the word anyway. You see I was ignoring the fact that I am always going to be changing, that finding myself wasn't the answer I was looking for because there will never be an answer. And when I learned that, I found me.
It is weird, growing up, like painting a mural or something. This new picture is here but all the past work is still apart of me. And it is all working together to form what will be me. AND THAT IS TERRIFYING. But in that exciting sort of way.
A lot of people doubted I would ever find my way. And for those few that had faith in me and supported my choices I will be forever thankful. It is the love I have encountered in life that makes me who I am.
And well,
I just wasn't meant for a frame.
May 13, 2013 at 1:26 AM
I love you so much angel. I love when you actually blog love. It really is one of those little things I look forward to seeing when I don't ask for one. Maybe I'm just a peen but it makes me happy when you express yourself, one way or another :)
May 13, 2013 at 1:28 AM
You are too adorable. Thank you for always encouraging me to express myself. I know we don't always see eye to eye but it means a lot to me that you still care what I have to say. And want to hear it.
May 21, 2013 at 3:12 AM
ASHLEY. Your use of imagery/language (that last line being a favorite <3) in what you wrote + the image you used, you already KNOW what I'm going to say, but it's perfect and beautifully said/used!
Change is by far the scariest thing in life, especially in the age/phase we're at now! We're basically cradled and nurtured til we become an "adult" and then we're thrown into the real world and we're told/expected to find our own path without having instruction, or even worse, having to follow the path that someone has already determined for you.
Even I'm afraid of change, even though it's inevitable and happening regardless of whether we're ready or not - like a really unfair game of hide and seek and you have a split second to find your spot...
But luckily we meet people who can hear us breathing while we're hiding in the dark and they help us laugh and make everything bright and feel less heavy, which is exactly what you need when you're internally stressing out, even if you don't appear to be :)
I'm so absolutely proud of you and I'm proud to call you my best friend! To be associated with you is an honor, because your inner strength, drive, and attitude is everything I inspire to embody every second of every day!! And as you continue to meet your goals, both short term and long term, you'll continue to make the world a brighter place in your own way and the world will be better for it <3
May 21, 2013 at 3:59 AM
I posted the pictures just for you <3 I love you and everything you said is perfect and I am so happy/lucky to know you and be our own iridescent pearlescent rainbow!
Post a Comment